


And I would be the one (to hold you down)

by susabei



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Divergent, Dark Lily Evans, F/F, Female Character of Color, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Languages and Linguistics, OOC, Obsessive Behavior, Paranoid Ideation, Sister-Sister Relationship, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Yandere, Yandere Lily Evans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-01-15 14:37:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21254978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susabei/pseuds/susabei
Summary: Natsumi is the absolute apple of Lily Evans' eye. Her best friend. Her confidant. Her light in the darkness. And Lily's going to keep it that way. Damn the consequences.Monthly Updates





	1. A feeling

**Author's Note:**

> howdy-do fellow kids 
> 
> This fic is a commission from the lovely Nanami Uzumaki on Quotev and will probably be about 10-15 chapters? Give or take? Shorter than Serpentine, but just as fun! Also please be warned: though this chapter started out light and fluffy, there's going to be really bad, unhealthy relationship dynamics in future chapters!! Every chapter will have a CW stating what you need to know.
> 
> On that note: there will be ZERO dub-con or non-con in this fic, please douse yourself in cold water if that's what you're looking for! Or better yet: seek therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from the Sarah Mclachlan song, Possession. 
> 
> Idk about you guys, but personally I feel a good playby for Natsumi is Erika Sawajiri as she was in the drama Hotman (though younger, obviously.) Oh, and also: please comment! u.u

London is a sprawling, dirty metropolis filled with hordes of people and unfamiliar smells. With loud cars, little more than metal cages, swarming around like ants. Everything is too close, squeezing her spirit and crushing her body. It makes her long for the simple countryside fresh air she grew up around. The clear skies and starry nights. The clean streets and babbling brook. The Thames is nothing like The Elwy--London's river is pitch black. Death-like. If she went for a swim, she'd get sick. She'd grow too cold. Sink to the foundation. Add to the pile of bones surely lurking at the bottom.

Needless to say, Natsumi doesn't like the city. She hardly likes most forms of Muggle technology, much less this hulking mass of transportation that's bigger than the house she grew up in. It's so intimidating to walk past the steam of the engine, the high-pitched whistles, the shouts of workers directing students where to go. Her mother had warned her about leaving last minute, because every year, it seems like every student came to the station at the latest possible moment to board the train. So she came early. Spent the morning sitting pretty in her own booth looking outside at the slowly changing platform. It's pandemonium out there right now: yelling parents, shoving students, owls escaping cages...Yes, thank goodness she came early. She wouldn't have been able to handle the crowd out there. She can barely handle the passing students in the hallway glancing in at her. Every so often a curious look is sent her way or maybe even a bold hello. It’s horrifying. She’d much prefer to dissolve into the background as a drop of ink does in a pool of water. It would be easier to blend in if it weren’t for her appearance--Bad enough that she inherited her father’s obnoxious hair, she had to go and get her mother’s face alongside with it. From far away, she can be mistaken for English, but up close, the truth is evident.

_You don’t belong here _says her grandmother’s voice over and over in her head, _come home. Come home._ It sings as a siren does to sailors lost at sea, and all at once, she wonders if the creatures could ever sound as sweet. Grandmother was a singer, the one on her mother’s side, and growing up, she was sure that there was no other voice as lovely as hers. Who else could have sung her to sleep in safe arms? Singing songs of the old country. Of spirits and demons, and the clever travelers they encountered. Of love and loss and gods and--

She doesn’t realize she’s humming until someone asks what it is. The door to her compartment is open. Someone is leaning in, hands resting on the frame.

“It’s pretty.” Natsumi keeps her head down to avoid eye contact with the stranger, but she can tell they're a girl. She can tell she's a Muggleborn by her shoes (they always have the strangest shoes!): odd looking, semi-clog-shaped, made of clay-colored leather with a buckle coming across the top of the foot, creating an arch shaped window. Her calf length white socks don't look very functional, either, they're semi-sheer, “You have a good voice.” 

Her face grows warm at the compliment; the proper thing to do is to humbly deny it, but she wants to accept it so badly… “Um, I--Thanks.” Her throat clears, “Thank you.” She tries for a more confident tone, “It’s, um, it’s a song,” _Obviously,_ Natsumi, of course it’s a song, “--Uh, it’s a song my grandmother used to sing to me.” Her hands play with the fabric of her clothes, unused to having someone’s attention on her for so long.

“I like it.” The voice of the Muggleborn stranger is unfailingly kind, “Can I sit here? I was looking for a good space to wave goodbye to my family outside.” 

“Of course!” Her reply is enthusiastic, but not at all loud. She scoots aside, away from the window to allow the girl room, even if she hardly took up any space at all. The stranger rushes to the window, opening it up to stick her head out and bounce wildly. Seeing that her back is turned, Natsumi assumes it's safe to lift her chin upwards.

"Mum! Dad! Tuney! Up here!!" Although her voice projects far, Natsumi can see from her seat that she doesn't need it to, her family is quite near. "Tuney! Tuney!!" The girl she's calling, a tall, skinny blonde Natsumi assumes is a Muggle, refuses to acknowledge the calls. The two adults with her, on the other hand, are happily waving back to their daughter on the train, telling her to write often and to be safe. As the train pulls away from the platform, the two even chase after it. The sight is enough to both warm her heart and tighten her ribcage with jealousy.

"Crikey O'Riley, you've got gorgeous eyes--" Damn. She's turned around and looked at her, _don't look at her, please,_ "You're not from around here, are you?"

Her eyes return to her lap, where it's safe, "Um, thank you, I--" she swallows, hoping a distraction would come to her rescue, "--I'm not from London." _Please don't ask for specifics, please don't ask for--_

"Yeah?" The girl takes a seat across from her and leans in, her arms resting on her legs, "Where from?" Damn.

"W-Wales." 

"I figured, what with your accent and all." Natsumi lets out a breath of relief once it was clear that the other wouldn't insist that she wasn't from Wales, "And I can tell by your shoes that you're not a Muggleborn." She holds in a laugh at that, "Purebloods n' half-bloods always have the most interesting shoes, don't you think? Never any tennis or heels or sandals, you know?"

What a peculiar girl, "I, um, I always thought that Muggleborn shoes were a little strange." Her hands continue to fuss with her skirts.

The stranger laughs melodically, good natured, "What do you mean? My mary-janes are perfectly normal, thank you very much!" She lifts her foot up, pointed, showing it off, "But I suppose that's fair--The unfamiliar is always a little strange, right?" 

Right. But giving human names to shoes is Natsumi's limit. She nods her agreement before finally daring to look up at the other. Yes, she really was quite pretty: bright red hair, golden in the sunlight, decorated with barrets, framing a gentle face speckled with freckles (_spaces where the sun kissed her, _she thinks), and bright green eyes, the color of a leaf in direct daylight. Her candy yellow formless dress rests just above her knee, looking soft.

"I'm Lily," The girl offers up her hand eagerly, "Lily Evans."

For a second, Natsumi stares at the hand as if it were tampered with or foreign somehow. As if she had never seen a hand in all her natural life. Timidly, <s>after seeing the kind girl's smile falter slightly</s>, she takes her hand and gives a weak shake, "Ak--Natsumi." Her throat clears, "My first name is Natsumi."

"And your last?" She hasn't let go of her hand.

"Oh! Yes, um, it's," Natsumi tries to pull her hand away, but Lily has a very firm grip, "Akiyama." She braces for questions.

"_Natsumi Akiyama._" Lily repeats, shaking the other's hand with each word, "It's good to meet you."

Natsumi bows her head towards the other politely, "It's good to meet you too."

"Can I ask--What does it mean? Your name? I mean, I've always heard that Oriental names all mean something, so I'm just curious."

Oh dear, "Well, um, firstly," she smooths out the fabric on her lap, "that, um, word you used..._Oriental_...It's not very, um," her thumbs rub the pads of her fingers, "I_\--_it's not a good um...it's very rude..."

"Oh!" The other redhead exclaims, "Oh I see, I'm, I'm so sorry, it's--I didn't know, it's such a common word, I--"

"I understand." Unfortunately. "Just, please don't use it again."

"I'm sorry." Natsumi's hand is sandwiched between hers. Natsumi freezes, "I promise I'll never say it again, I won't even _think _about that word." 

Blood flushes her face again, "I--I forgive you, I promise." How strange to have someone begging for forgiveness like this. She doesn't like it at all. Especially when the other seems genuinely apologetic and kind. There's such a need for kindness now-and-days… "You didn't know, um, most people don't know." Unfortunately.

"And now I do." The expression in Lily's eyes can only be described as fierce determination, "And I'll make sure to remember it." _What a peculiar white girl._ She looks at their hands, _what a forward white girl._

"Thank you." That's all she can manage, "Sincerely."

Her smile could light up the world.

"--Do you, um, still want to know the meaning?" Is she so starved for company that she'll just talk to the first stranger that gives her a name? Yes. Absolutely.

Lily nods enthusiastically, "I'll tell you mine first, if you're shy; Lily is pretty straight-forward, it's just a flower." She shrugs, giving a giggle, "Evans just means _Son of Evan,_ it's Welsh too! My grandfather is from Swansea!"

Natsumi nods, "I figured, we have a lot of, um, Evans over there."

"Yeah? I bet you've even met some of my family, then!" The girl looks excited at the prospect, "That's so cool, I've only been to Wales a few times, and only to visit my nan--What part are you from?"

"We, um, we live in a small wizarding community near Saint Asaph."

"Whoa, Saint Asaph? I hear it's a really tiny city."

"Mm." A nod, "One of the smallest in the UK. It's, um, really lovely--Lots of greenery, fresh air, and nature, you know. The Muggles are nice."

"I'd like to see it someday--Will you show me around?" _Very forward._ They've hardly met and she's already inviting herself over.

"I'd, uh, yeah, I can do that." What are the chances that they'd actually stay in contact after this train ride? "I haven't seen much of the Muggle side, though."

"I can navigate Muggle territory quite easily, thank you very much!" Her words earn a hearty chuckle from Natsumi, "You just worry about that wizarding side."

"Will do." A moment of comfortable silence--Lily looking almost expectantly at her… "...Oh! Oh, um," _Scatterbrain_. "My name, right--well," she presses her lips together, "My first name, Natsumi, is made up of two characters--" A pause, "Characters are like..." She draws in the air with her finger, "Those complicated glyphs you see in Mandarin and Japanese...We call them Kanji."

"The pictographs?"

"No--I mean, they're not all pictographs. They're mostly, um, what's the word...ideographs." Oh she wishes she had a notebook to illustrate.

It's as if the other read her mind: one-handedly, Lily digs into her little bag to pull out a decorated, well-worn notebook and a strangle glittery blue quill, narrow like a straw, with tuffs of blue feathers at the end, "Show me?"

She feels so on display...But somehow it's comforting to have Lily's eyes on her. Maybe it's just because she's one person rather than a crowd, or because Lily is a girl. Boys make Natsumi nervous, and not at all in a good way. 

She takes the notebook gingerly and opens it up on her lap, quill in her left hand, waiting for an ink bottle--"Oh, it doesn't need ink--I mean, the ink is already inside. You just start writing." The taller girl clarifies at the sight of Natsumi's confusion.

"Fascinating..." She studies the ink-filled not-quill for a second or two before assuming a writing position. Lily scoots closer for a better look. "You see, some characters are pictographs...like _rì._" She writes out 日 on the paper, "This means sun, or daytime. It comes from this old pictograph," she draws a circle with a dot in the center, "In Japanese, it's pronounced _hì._" 

"_He_?"

Another nod, "It has other pronunciations to go along with other meanings, like _nichi_ or _ka._"

"How can you tell the difference?"

"Context; you'll know how it's supposed to be used based on the characters surrounding it."

"That's so cool--And the ideographs?"

A sigh of relief, she was afraid she was boring her, "Those are a little harder sometimes," She jots down 下, "In Mandarin, this is _xià._ Meaning down. In Japanese, it's _shita._ It can mean down, below, inferior, or younger. When you look at the character for the opposite, it starts to make sense," beside it, she writes 上, "This is _shàng._ It means above, superior, or up. In Japanese, it's pronounced _jō._"

"_Jou?_" A nod. "I think I get it--The little pole and flag are under the bar for _under_ and above the bar for _above._"

"Yes, that's exactly it."

"That's amazing...And you know all this? All the words?"

"_Well,_" Natsumi licks her lips, "it's a lot of kanji to memorize, um, I'm sure nobody in the world knows _all_ of them without some sort of cheat involved."

"I think I'd go mad if I had to learn more than ten." The taller girl admires the glyphs on the paper, "And your name? How do you write it?"

"There's a few ways to, um, spell my name in Japanese--The most popular one is Natsu and Mi, which is 'summer' and 'beauty'. Then there's Na and Tsumi, which is 'vegetable' and 'picking'." She writes out the first, 夏美 in her clearest and best script before writing out the second, 菜摘.

"Can I guess? Is it beautiful summer?"

Natsumi flushes again, "No, it's vegetable picking."

Lily's laughter doesn't make her feel embarrassed, "I love it--And your last name?"

She continues, "Akiyama is made from 'autumn' and 'mountain'," She writes 秋山 alongside the correct spelling of her name.

Her new companion hums, "Vegetable picking on the autumn mountain? I like it. It sounds like a good time." She rests her cheek on her free hand, "I assume you're Japanese alongside Welsh?"

"Japanese, yes." She confirms, "On my mother's side."

Something unspoken is exchanged between them. Lily nods, not prodding further, "All me and Tuney got in our blood is Welsh with a splash of English, though mum _swears_ she has a French great-great-grandfather--Me n' Tuney both think it's rubbish; Tuney's my big sister, she's a year older than me."

The memory of the blonde girl with a sour face on the platform returns, "I think I saw her--What does Tuney mean?"

"Oh," Lily giggles to herself, "Tuney is just my nickname for her--Her first name is Petunia, like the flower," she takes back the blue not-quill to illustrate, "See? They grow like crazy in my mum's garden back home. _Her prized petunias_, she calls them."

"Very pretty." Natsumi agrees, admiring the simple drawing Lily made.

"What's my name? In Japanese, I mean--" she almost sounds embarrassed, "What's the Japanese character for Lily?"

"Um, well," Natsumi scratches her cheek, "it doesn't have a character, it's spelled out with one of our alphabets: Hiragana."

"You have more than one alphabet?" The not-stranger is astonished.

"We have three: Kanji, Hiragana, and Katakana. Kanji are glyphs, Hiragana are for knowing how to pronounce the glyphs, and Katakana is for foreign or borrowed words."

"And you have to learn them all?"

Another nod. Lily's eyes look like they're bulging out of her head, "_Good lord._"

"It's a process, but it's really quite easy once you start learning. It just takes discipline." Natsumi takes back the not-quill, "The lily flower in Hiragana is _yuri._" She writes out ゆり nearby Lily's drawing, "However, a Japanese person would pronounce your name as _Ri-lii,_" Her mouth morphs the R and L sound together, so it almost sounds like she's saying both Ri-rii and Li-lii at the same time, "and _that's_ spelled with Katakana," Underneath ゆり, she writes リリー. Then, as an add-on, she writes ペチュニア underneath the drawing, "This is how you would write your sister's name, _Pechunia._"

"Tuney would love this," Lily's fingertips brush over the words, "she's so smart, you know--She's going to save the world, someday." 

To Natsumi, the girl came off as unpleasant, but perhaps she was just having a bad day, "That's a very noble cause."

"Tuney is a very noble person!" Her chest puffs, it's obvious she's proud to have her as a sister, "You got any siblings?"

"Um, yes," Natsumi clears her throat, "Just one. An older half-sister."

She says no more, and Lily gets the message, "I see." she scoots over so that she's sitting next to Natsumi, and it's then that the later notices that, during the entire language lesson, she has still not let go of her hand, "I've only got Tuney, but Sev's kind of like a brother to me, sometimes. He's certainly a right prat like a brother would be." Natsumi nods along, wanting to take back her hand, but too afraid to--What if she offends her new companion? "I know what you're thinking: why am I friends with him if he's a right prat?" Well, not exactly, but just about, "He's actually the one who told me I was a witch before I knew I was a witch--Sev's a half-blood, he lives near me n' Tuney. I should actually be out looking for him--"

As if waiting for his cue, a pale faced boy with greasy locks of hair and an aquiline nose enters the compartment, "Lily--" He notices Natsumi with a look that does not display kindness. She wants to shrink into herself and disappear, "--I was looking for you."

"Sev!" Oh no, "Come sit, I've made us a friend," _Oh no._ "This is Severus Snape. Sev, this is Natsumi Akiyama."

Natsumi bows her head to him, "Pleasure to meet you, Snape." It's lovely how English wizarding culture encourages the use of family names for strangers--It alleviates so much from her shyness.

Severus eyes Lily and Natsumi's linked hands with curiosity as he sits down, "Pleasure." It does not at all sound like a pleasure. He turns his attention back to the energetic girl, "I thought we were going to meet at the front of the train."

"Oh yeah yeah, I know, but I wanted to wave goodbye to mum, dad, n' Tuney, and I needed a good view, so I came into her compartment and--Well, we got distracted."

It seems Severus can't stay mad at Lily; his stern, offended face melts at the sight of her smile. His crush is rather obvious, if Natsumi does say so herself, but that's none of her business. 

Severus nods once and addresses her, "Akiyama, did you say? The Welsh branch?"

Natsumi sits up a little straighter, "Yes," a head bow in confirmation, "Through my mother, Hideko Akiyama."

Severus almost looks intrigued, "Your mother went to school with my mother--Ravenclaw, correct?"

As Natsumi answers 'yes', Lily gushes, "That's so cool! It must be nice going to get the same education that your parents got." It is. Natsumi can't imagine entering a world where she didn't know anyone or had any history in. She's itching to become a falcon alongside the rest of her family.

"Pureblood?" Severus prompts.

The word brings a tightening in her throat, "Yes." Certainly not one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, but that's partly due to her family's late immigration to the United Kingdom (among other frivolous technicalities). The main branch in Japan is considered more _revered,_ but only as a courtesy; Akiyamas aren't proud about their blood status, only their accomplishments. And accomplishments is something they have in excess.

Severus hums, and she knows he's looking over her mixed features. Taking note. Judging. Storing information for later use.

She averts her eyes.

"A half-blood, a pureblood, and a muggleborn." Lily smiles, grabbing Severus' hand with her free one, creating a link, "Look at us, we're the diversity cabin."

Natsumi tries for a smile, unsure of how to feel.

-

The rest of the train ride to Hogwarts is a mix of uncomfortable and cozy. Lily and Severus, having known each other for a good amount of years, hold a close bond that Natsumi can only dream about. They share words with only a look and laugh at inside jokes that sound like complete nonsense to her. On the other hand, Lily is remarkably skilled at making her feel welcome and included (contrast to how much Severus makes her feel unwanted and intruding). For every story that she shares about her and Severus, she asks a question to Natsumi relating to it. _Do you have any pets? What are your neighbors like? What was your first case of accidental magic?_ Natsumi almost feels like she's being interviewed for the Prophet. The attention is overwhelming, at times, but it's nice. It makes her feel like maybe Lily actually cares about becoming her friend.

"_You made your baby cousin disappear?"_ Lily squeals in guilty laughter as Severus spares a small snerk.

"He wouldn't stop crying." Natsumi confirms, looking down at her lap, "He--He was fine, though, um, they found him later a few kilometers away under a tree."

"That's one way to deal with an annoying relative--How old were you?"

"Um, about three."

Severus' eyebrows raise in interest, "That's quite young. Most cases are closer to six or nine."

Natsumi blushes, as if she had anything to be embarrassed about, "I, um, I suppose it was motivated by emotion, then."

Lily nods, "Oh yeah, I hear all cases of accidental magic are caused by strong emotion--Fear and happiness and anger and all that."

The cabin door opens, and a tall girl imposes herself against the frame, intruding on the trio's space. Her brown eyes make eye contact with Natsumi, and the young girl looks down in nerves, "_Natsumi._" It is a greeting and a command, "You should have changed into your robes by now." _And a critique,_ "All of you." She gazes at Lily and Severus with disinterest before turning back to Natsumi, "Father says to write him when you're sorted."

"Yes Mao. Of course, Mao."

Natsumi expects that she narrowed her eyes at her because Lily moves closer, protectively. As if she thought Mao was a threat--But that was silly. Mao would never harm her.

"Get dressed. We're almost there." The door slides closed, the girl's long black hair trailing behind her as she walks down the hall.

"_What a cheese weasel._" A what. "What was her problem?" Lily looks properly offended and miffed.

"--What do you mean?" Did Mao look at them wrong?

"She was rather..._rude._" Severus says, hands in his lap.

"Rude? She was a total chump! Don't tell me that's your _sister?_"

Severus snorts at Lily's words, and she throws a fierce look at him. Natsumi twiddles her fingers, "Yes, that was her."

She scrunches her nose, displeased, "Let me guess: her name means _Gag Me With A Spoon?" _The suggestion evokes some amusement from Severus, but Natsumi only grows more nervous, "Wh-what? No, of course not--That would be--"

"Akiyama." Severus stops her, "She's _joking._"

"--Oh." Natsumi's face grows hot with embarrassment, "I'm sorry."

Lily rubs her arm in comfort, Natsumi forgets to be uncomfortable with the contact, "No need to be--I'm just..._Surprised_ that you two are related..." Severus snorts _again,_ and Lily sharpens her glare at him. Natsumi thinks about the sour-faced Petunia left on the platform--_There's a story there..._Perhaps Snape will tell her it.

"Mao isn't bad." She reassures, "She, um, just doesn't like strangers, she was probably stiff about that..." Not to mention the _huge_ disagreement she and mother got into this morning, but that's personal. Natsumi doesn't air her family's dirty laundry, thank you very much, "Come, let's just get changed." Natsumi tugs gently at Lily's hand, and the girl (to her credit) drops the subject and follows. On the way to the bathrooms, she starts up a conversation about fashion trends and asks about witches' styles.

Natsumi's grateful to have made such a friendly acquaintance right off the bat. 


	2. A hope (Part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to both my commissioner and my readers: my grandfather died two weeks ago, and his funeral was a week ago, so this chapter is shorter than I wanted it to be. Thus: the 'Part 1' section of this chapter and why it feels so incomplete. Again: apologies!

The first time Natsumi's felt _wonder_ was probably when she was about three years old and she was allowed her first kite: it was a bright, vermillion red, as tall as she was, in the shape of a gorgeous koi fish. When not in flight, it would swim through the air around her placidly, sticking close to her like a dog to its master (she had subsequently named it _Bubbles_ as one would a pet fish), but oh when it _took flight_, it would soar through the skies like a lark, threatening to take off by itself into the vast distance. It would do no such thing, of course, being enchanted not to, but the thought thrilled her all the same. Particularly when it would fly up alongside Mao's hawk shaped kite, her step-father's dragon, and her mother's butterfly. How lovely would it be to see them all gliding away together: a comfortable and whole family.

The wonder she feels upon laying eyes on Hogwarts for the first time is a hard second.

In front of her, Lily gasps and squeals quietly, pressing her hands into Severus rapidly, who tolerates his friend's excitement for her sake, but tells her to be careful because she's rocking the boat. She turns around to face Natsumi and include her in the hype as well, "_Can you believe it? We're here!!_" 

Natsumi can believe it. She's been waiting for it for most of her life, but it's understandable that Lily be so excited. Apparently Muggleborns often are.

Together, they enter the castle in between whispers of curiosity and assumptions about what lies ahead, Lily in the middle of them both, tethering them together with her hands. As they are guided up the stairs by the humongous groundskeeper (Severus had quipped about him having creature blood and Lily stared in awe), they approach a large set of doors, timmering with magic. A woman waits for them at the top, and she introduces herself as Deputy Headmistress Mcgonagall, and she explains the process of entering the hall and being sorted--She looks stern, no-nonsense, just like her step-father's mother. She’s softly aged, and looks to be the sort of woman who was quite pretty in her youth, just like her mother’s mother. At this thought, she finds herself filled with the odd, unexplainable desire to win her favor. Hm.

The doors before them open, and the entire group walks forward into a crowded hall with rows of tables and colorful banners. Eyes are on her, but they're also on the rest of the thirty-something first years looking around them in awe. Natsumi would be doing the same but if she stares at her own feet, she can pretend she's alone in the hall. It's not that the Great Hall isn't wondrous and magnificent, it's just that it's absolutely not worth it to her to risk making accidental eye-contact with a stranger. She's heard plenty about it from Mao, who claims that the architecture in their parents' home is much more splendid...Natsumi will have plenty of time to look at it once she's sorted and not jittering with nerves.

The person in front of her stops. She almost bumps into them--Looks up to see what test awaits them (she studied, just in case), and finds an old witch's hat on a stool: wrinkled, torn, and patched up. Mcgonagall beside it with a scroll of parchment. What's going on? They're not going to wear that thing, are they? It looks so old, what if it has louses? Oh dear--

The hat, possibly as ancient as her family, begins to _sing._ A folksy tune reminiscent of the styles back in her hometown (_it makes her homesick already_), that makes her foot tap along to the beat. It sings of the houses and its job to sort all of the children into the right one, of how it belonged to Godric Gryffindor himself and was a part of history. She supposes it's a useful little thing for the Muggleborns who haven't done much research into it, but she doesn't need anything like that--She knows where she belongs and where she is meant to be, like many other young, eleven year old girls.

It doesn't even make her nervous when, predictably, she's the first to be called up to the stool, it's alphabetical after all. And oh no, everyone's staring at her, aren't they? An Akiyama with bright flaming hair is sure to arise questions...Could she get away with telling others that it's a clever colorvaria spell? Some freak accident involving spell experimentation that left her hair and eyes permanently strange and different? Please don't look at her, please don't look at her, she can't stand it--

Natsumi wonders if Mcgonagall can see her trembling because as she approaches the stool, she sends her a sympathetic look. It's not enough to quell her anxiety, but she manages an uncertain, timid smile as she sits down and the hat is placed atop her head--

_Ah._

Natsumi flinches--The voice of the Sorting Hat loud in her quiet mind. Can it hear her every thought? Or should she speak to it aloud?

_No need to speak, child, although you are free to._

Swallowing a nervous lump in her throat, she frets over if everyone else in the hall can hear him too.

_Not at all, our conversation is private--Now, to place you...Yes, I believe you have the noble spirit of the badger…_

She seizes--No, she has to be in Ravenclaw. _All_ of the Welsh Akiyamas are in Ravenclaw, what would her parents say if_—_

_Ravenclaw? Yes, your mother was in that house. Your father, on the other hand…_

The hat stops, as if sensing her discomfort.

_You would grow in Hufflepuff. Loyalty, justice, fairness...It's all here in your head. The desire for friends, kindness, belonging..._

Natsumi pleads. Oh Gods above, she wouldn't be able to return to her household if she wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw...Mao would be so disappointed in her. And grandmother—

The hat seems to sigh, _If you're sure…_

"--RAVENCLAW!"

Relief floods her system. One less thing to worry about. She's in the house she belongs.

The hat is removed, she hops off the stool to rush to the table of cheering falcons (whilst trying not to trip), casting a fast lil look towards the line of still unsorted first years. Severus looks surprised (did he also see Hufflepuff in her?) but otherwise respectful. Lily's ecstatic clapping appears to be forcing him to give a light, half-hearted applause for her sake, and Natsumi has to keep herself from giggling at the sight.

Out of the next ten students, only one more is sorted into Ravenclaw: he takes his seat across from Natsumi, greeting her with a nod and introducing himself as a Flint. The name rings alarm bells in her head, but she shooshes them. Why should she judge a boy she doesn't know on his last name? Well maybe because that's just how magical society works here in the United Kingdom, but that shouldn't be enough. Even if it's something that's prevailed for thousands of years. Especially when there's plenty of people who don't have a reputation to build up just yet--

"Evans, Lily."

Her attention moves towards the front of the hall immediately. The girl she met on the train walks confidently up to the stool as if it were her birthright (Natsumi envies her confidence), daring anyone to say otherwise.

But Lily is on the stool for a minute. Three. Five. Officially a hatstall. It's difficult for Natsumi to gauge her emotions from her spot at the falcon's table, but it seems to her that the girl is scared. Or at least tense. Her shoulders are right up against her ears and her back is rigid. Maybe a flash of frustration? Oh she hopes dearly that Lily will get into the house she desires (but another, deeper, selfish part of her hopes that she’ll be sorted in with _her._) The muggleborn is lucky enough to not have the added pressure of getting into a house that has hosted her family for centuries, but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have any hopes or wants...To Natsumi, Lily comes off as Puff or Gryffin. Fiercely loyal with a love of fairness, but also brave. Wanting to fight for the greater good--Her bright red hair would look nice in yellow and black or red and gold.

But of course: house sorting isn’t about aesthetics, it’s about character. And so far it seems like the hat is having a hard time deciding on Lily’s--Or rather, it looks as if it’s perhaps arguing with her, the point at the top whishing back and forth as if it were wagging a finger, wrinkled face stern and scolding, until finally:

"Stubborn child! RAVENCLAW!" [1]

What a relief: Natsumi has a friend in her house.

A grand, dazzling smile of triumph spreads on Lily’s face as the hat is removed and she hops off the stool to join Natsumi at the blue and bronze table--The girl makes a direct beeline at her, actually, looking as relieved as a doomed sailor who has just spotted a lighthouse, “Nat!” She slides in close, the momentum of her running causing her body to bump Natsumi’s side softly, “We’re in the same house!”

“I know!” Natsumi replies, because she doesn’t know what else to say--Though she is happy, she swears it, “Do you think Snape will be a falcon, too?” She asks, out of courtesy for Lily’s friend.

Lily blinks, as if just remembering that Severus existed, “Oh, Sev--” she presses her mouth into a thin line, “I don’t know, he’s wicked smart, and he’s one of the sharpest kids I know,” she turns her head over to the awaiting line of first years that have yet to be sorted, “He told me he wanted to be in Slytherin, it’s the house his mum was in.” 

His desired house doesn’t come as much of a surprise to Natsumi, but it does concern her--Even her own family wasn’t exempt from spreading the rumors about Voldemort’s former house. It’s a dark house with evil magic and intentions. Malicious history and culture. But now looking at the table at the far side of the hall, it’s full of children. Children her age, children Mao’s age. They couldn’t be evil, not on their own, right? Severus’ mother can’t be evil… “Have you met his mother?”

“Mmhmm.” She nods, “She’s quiet, a bit sad, really, but she’s never been mean to me. Not once.” Natsumi will have to remember to ask her mother about her, “I think she just needs a hobby. Something to do to get out of the house.”

She can relate. All of her own pastimes are domestic and keep her indoors; any sunlight and she could damage her delicate skin, or so her aunties tell her.

Finally, after what feels like hours, Severus' name is called. Natsumi feels Lily stiffen up beside her, and she swears she can feel her anxiety by proxy. It's overspilling. A fountain of panic that threatens to suffocate…Natsumi tries to comfort, placing a hesitant hand on Lily's shoulder--The action causes her to speak, “No matter what, Sev’s my friend.” Lily states, determined, green eyes ablaze, “_Our_ friend.” She includes Natsumi, despite the obvious rocky start to hers and Severus’ relationship.

But she can’t find it in herself to discourage her new friend. Natsumi smiles gently, mouth closed, “Right.” 

“SLYTHERIN!” 

Lily lets out a slow exhale, covering Natsumi's hand with hers. It's okay. It's alright. It happened and that's that.

Natsumi's not sure how to console, seeing as she's usually the one needing placating, but she does her best with what she's given: which in this case, is just her hands, really. A gentle squeeze to Lily's, and it looks like things are going to be just fine.

"_Natsumi."_

The two redheads turn, "Mao." Natsumi greets her sister with a bow of the head.

"Congratulations on making Ravenclaw." Mao says diplomatically, the blue Prefect badge on her robe shining, "Father and Mother will be pleased."

Sensing tension on her right side, Natsumi hesitantly moves her hand on Lily's knee to try and quell her, it seems to work, "Yes, thank you, Mao." Natsumi offers her sister a shy smile, "I won't let our family down. Not ever."

"See to it." The older girl nods her head, satisfied with the response, before turning to Lily, "Evans," The newest hatstall looks ready to rile back up at a moment's notice, "welcome to Ravenclaw."

Lily smiles, and it's not at all a smile that belongs on her face (though in all fairness, Natsumi has only known her for a few hours), "_Thank you--_I'm sorry, I didn't catch your last name."

At that, Natsumi blushes because that's definitely something that she should have mentioned on the train ride--If she were the type to curse, she'd do so now. She's just glad Lily didn't refer to her as 'Akiyama'.

"Imube." Mao says, casting an unreadable glance at Natsumi, who just about cowers under her gaze.

"_Imube._" Lily echos, that strange smile still on her face, "Thank you so much, Imube."

Mao is somewhat of a stranger to disrespect from her youngers, but to her credit, she handles Lily's odd challenge of authority with grace (as expected). She dismisses herself back to wherever her pack sits, leaving the two of them in relative peace.

_"Toerag."_ Lily mumbles under her breath, and Natsumi's not sure if she should pretend that she didn't hear it.

"Please," she fiddles with her robes, "don't think badly of Mao, she's just worried about, um, 'outsider influences' on me."

"_Outsider influences?"_

She pales, hand covering her mouth, "Oh no, no it's not _that,_ I promise...Mao treats Muggleborns the same as she does everyone, I--"

As she dissolves into a stuttering mess, Lily waits patiently for Natsumi to grab her bearings. It takes about two minutes, but all the same, she waits.

"--It's really, um, I," A huge, intake of breath, followed by a huge exhale, "...If our family doesn't know yours, we're, um, vulnerable to corruption...Pureblood nobility is..." She looks to the side, unintentionally gazing at the Slytherin table, "..."

"I understand." Lily states, without needing for Natsumi to finish, "Here, help me finish this pot roast, it's the size of my damn head--"

.

Being friends with Lily is as natural as breathing. 

The first thing to really solidify it in her mind, that this could be real and good, is how fast Lily is to claim the bed next to hers in the girl's dormitory. "These ones are for us!" she tells her, sectioning off two beds at the end of the room, "They're the best beds, I can tell." Another Ravenclaw girl comments that they are objectively all the same, but Lily won't have it, she keeps their beds safe from any other who might try to take them--Thank goodness, too, because Natsumi would be too nervous to sleep too close to strangers...It's good to know Lily is looking out for her like this. 

As the Muggleborn carefully unpacks a quilt sent to her by her mother ('she sewed it for me when I was seven, it's the warmest thing in the world!'), she continues her talk about her life back home. Her Muggle school, her friends, her cousins, but most of all, her sister: a constant but volatile figure in her life. Natsumi's not sure, but she has a hunch that Petunia's not too keen on the fact that her little sister is a witch. Cruel, but common among Muggleborns and their non-magical siblings...Even she could relate on an entirely different level: both she and her sister hold different family names. Despite the obvious tension in the sisters' relationship, Lily only speaks of love when she speaks of Petunia. Only of caring. Only of joy.

"Tuney and I both share a room--Though, I guess it's going to be just her room for a while." Lily hums, her momentous energy temporarily subdued, "I hope she doesn't get rid of my Monkees poster."

Natsumi asks if Petunia isn't a fan of animals, and Lily dives into a small ramble about things that Muggles call _rock_ and _pop_, eagerly talking until the other Ravenclaw girls tell her to shut up--sometime after eleven when they're both sitting up in their beds. Then she goes to whispering, until Natsumi falls asleep, dreaming about the fantastical things that Muggle music has to offer.

From there, things fall into place easily: Natsumi wakes up first and gently coaxes Lily away from sleep, respectfully refraining from giggling at her wild bedhead (which Lily brings up anyways). They brush their teeth alongside each other in the dormitory bathrooms among the morning chatter of the other Ravenclaw girls and talk about what they think their classes will hold. Brush their hair, comparing the differences in tones and shades and lengths. Walk to breakfast together, hand-in-hand, because Lily won't have it otherwise, the castle is a monstrous size, so if they're going to get lost, they'll do it together. Held hands is a claim. They're friends.

It's the sort of things Natsumi dreamed about doing with Mao, once she was old enough to go to Hogwarts with her--But she supposes that Mao's too busy with her Prefect duties, and Lily's a perfect substitute for it anyways. She's also a sister, right?

Upon entering the hall, Natsumi is dragged to the right: the taller redhead is eager to speak to Severus, and rushes towards the Slytherin table at light-speed (ignoring the quiet suggestions from Natsumi that maybe it wasn't such a good idea). Thankfully, Severus seems to have anticipated his friend's actions, and rushes out quick to meet them--Carefully pushing Lily (Natsumi helps) away from the cautious and judgemental looks of the Slytherin table. Natsumi all but sighs in relief, suggesting that they all sit together at the Ravenclaw table instead, there's just more room.

Lily huffs, claiming that she can take the whole house on her own if they gave her any trouble, but relents regardless. Severus hums in disapproval, "Don't pay them any attention, they don't know any better." 

"That's a piss excuse." Lily snorts, "Let me at them! If they can't stand behind their sorry name calling, they shouldn't be saying anything in the first place!"

"Why must you always be in a hurry to start a fight?" Severus sighs as Natsumi covers up her giggle.

"I don't start fights, Sev, _I finish them._" Lily winks as the two finally manage to sit her down at the table.

This feels good. Right. Lily is her _friend._ And Severus is...Well, he’s along for the ride. And Lily is trying her damn hardest to make him her friend as well. Natsumi admires the effort. She would have given up at the first glare he shot at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] This line is a subtle reference to the sorting of an OC I have in my other fic, Serpentine, who may or may not make an appearance here u.u


	3. A hope (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minor CW for clingy behavior and friend policing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS is what was supposed to be attached to the last update, but with the death in my family, I couldn’t get it out on time. So still consider this chapter two, please!

Classes at Hogwarts are better than she ever could have imagined. Natsumi’s completely invigorated in her lessons, absolutely at home in her house (full of students with so many interests, her brain's overloaded with information the first week), and fitting in comfortably (enough) with Lily and Severus. The former is constantly helpful and affectionate, and the later is growing more civil as time goes on (it helps, perhaps, that her placement is in Ravenclaw and not Gryffindor, because two lads from that house have taken to picking on him, much to Lily's chargin'.) Natsumi estimates that they'll be on a first name basis by the time their seventh year rolls around. As for Lily: it feels wrong, somehow still, to refer to her by her first name rather than _Evans_, but the girl insists. Persists! If the two were in the land of Natsumi's ancestors (or rather: if they both had shared ancestry), Natsumi would compromise by calling her _Evans-chan_ or _Lily-san,_ but there's not much of a direct parallel of either of those in English, and so she relents and calls her _Lily_ in private and public, and slowly it becomes more and more comfortable.

Lily doesn’t really let her out of her sight, it feels almost like she’s gained a shadow in the form of a very pretty friend. When she wasn’t around, Natsumi felt a little lighter, a little lonelier. Aimless, perhaps (and that is why she is not a Slytherin). With Lily, there was something to _do,_ something to achieve. Together with Severus, the two of them joined up with whatever cause Lily had taken up that day. It gets to the point where she almost has trouble reciting some of her favorite things to do when others ask her. Instead, she lists off things she likes to do with Lily.

The subject of their closeness had been addressed by nearly every Ravenclaw by the time Halloween rolled around. By then, there had been rumors swirling around that they were half-siblings (absurd and dishonorable, of course), which called into question _both_ Natsumi’s pureblood and Lily’s Muggle heritage. Luckily Lily’s as tough as nails, and Severus is excellent at doing damage control in his house (he mentions that he’d prefer Natsumi to Petunia anyday, causing Lily to scold him and Natsumi to quietly smile). 

"She's your partner in every class you have together, share some of Akiyama with the rest of us!" Zhang jests, teasing Lily with a smile.

She responds with sticking her tongue out, "I called _dibs_ because Nat here is clearly prime best friend material." Natsumi's face grows hot, "You guys should have worked faster."

Lily's easy attachment to her is a tad bit unusual, perhaps, but Natsumi excuses it by reminding herself that Westerners are strange (even if she, herself, was born and raised in the West). There is also her growing theory that Lily is terribly lonely without her sister--She's always talking about _Tuney this_ and _Tuney that_, and lamenting that she wasn't there at Hogwarts with her. And is it a crime to be lonely? She's already a Muggleborn, knows no one but one other in the school, and he's in an entirely different house. It's fine. Natsumi doesn't mind. In fact: she quite enjoys the attention. Particularly when she doesn't have to share it with Severus (and even then, Lily is attentive to them both).

This being said, Natsumi _has_ friendly relationships with those outside of Lily...The two do not share a potions class, for example, and in that time period, Natsumi has taken to speaking to Natalie Olivander: a prim and laidback witch in her house, with a reputation for being a bit of a teacher's pet (something she finds odd, considering school had barely started a few weeks ago). Natalie is, however, very easy to work with, and patient with Natsumi's occasional stutter and clumsy outburst. She doesn't even mind when Lily bops in suddenly during their conversations in the common room or library to steal Natsumi away for something or other. A flexible girl. She wishes to know her better--says as much to her fellow redhead one day...And encounters some resistance. 

"Oh no, she's fine," Lily insists, "just a little stiff, don't ya think?"

"Well, um,...She likes rules, that's not a bad thing--"

"No no, that's not what I mean at all; of course rules are great...I just think she could stand to relax sometimes, is all." She shrugs, "I don’t want her turning you into a goody-two-shoes!” 

Even after her explanation of what a goody-two-shoes is, Natsumi is still bemused at Lily’s aversion to the girl. Did she say something mean to her? She _was_ a member of a Sacred Twenty-Eight family...But Olivanders weren’t a supporter of Grindelwald. And they certainly aren’t a supporter of Voldemort either. Not to mention that Lily is far from a quiet damsel: she’s put several Purists in their place these past few weeks, earning her the nickname of _Red Fury _from Potter and the Black heir_._

So what’s the issue? Some kind of misunderstanding? Does maybe, against all odds, someone have a fear of losing Natsumi to someone else?

Of course, Natsumi has no time to ponder such things, as a week after the conversation, Lily finds herself transferred to her Potions class.

“Had my schedule fixed! Was running around exhausting myself more than I needed to, you know.” She slides into the seat next to her, as if it were her rightful place, “Happy to see you here! I didn’t know you had Potions at this time--Oh Olivander! Good to see you, you don’t mind if I take up this seat today, do you?” 

Natalie, lackadaisical as ever, tells Lily it’s fine. She’ll go sit with Dorcas Meadowes, and trots off without another word.

“Whew, what a nag” Lily sighs, exasperated, “So! How did you do on your homework?” 

This, in itself, was unusual, but not really anything to worry about. Then, of course, the same thing happens in other classes where Lily didn't see Natsumi. Astronomy suddenly gains another redhead, as Lily dominates the conversation about how only two years ago, Muggles landed on the moon (the cause of much uproar and controversy). Care of Magical Creatures adds Lily to the small group of people Natsumi stayed close to, and while she doesn't _drive them away, _she does insert herself into the conversation, and is quick to take whatever spot next to Natsumi there is. Even Natsumi's free periods without Lily are suddenly filled up with the company of the girl.

How lucky she is, to never have a moment of isolation.

During one said free period, the two of them are alone in the first year dormitory: Natsumi studying for midterms, and Lily--Actually, Natsumi isn't sure _what_ Lily is doing. She brings out various little colorful vials of _polish_, but when Natsumi asks what they're supposed to polish, Lily laughs and says 'No, silly, they're paints, for your nails!' and Natsumi's nails have never been any other color than natural (flesh?), so she asks about Muggle beauty standards (there's various portraits of her ancestors sporting died black teeth and shaved eyebrows, so she doesn't judge) and Lily goes into one of her rants: this time about periodicals called 'fashion magazines' and the modeling industry, and some Muggle woman named 'Twiggy'. 

As she talks, she picks out a deep red _polish_ and begins to paint her clean nails with steady hands. A red so rich, it almost makes Lily's hair look dull in comparison ('Tuney claims that red washes me out and clashes with my hair, but really it's pink that makes me look ghastly--'). Natsumi watches, fascinated with the action, nodding along to Lily's ramblings and asking appropriate questions (for the record, Petunia prefers her nails to be a peach pink, barely noticeable).

"Give me your hand." Lily commands, and Natsumi naturally (automatically) gives her left hand out to her housemate, "What color do you want?"

Natsumi blinks, "Sorry?"

"I said what color do you want?" She replies with a smile, other hand rolling over the small pile of nail paints.

Something about the idea of Lily painting her fingernails seems awfully intimate. Natsumi hesitates, feeling on the spot but strangely honored, "...You shouldn't waste your nice paints on me, Lily--"

"Nonsense!" A sharp cutoff, "Me n' Tuney used to paint each other's nails all the time, it's proper bonding, it is." Mao and Natsumi have never done anything like _that,_ unless one counts help in applying her older sister's makeup for her performances, "Besides, these things were all brought at the chemist's, they're two a penny."

...Chemist? "Are--Are they meant to create a high?"

After calming down, Natsumi is lectured on what a chemist means to a British Muggle, and she praises the Muggles for having such a convenient little shop available to them. One stop for food, snacks, bath products, medicine, and miscellaneous items? Muggle Britain sounds like a right utopia.

"You've never been around Muggle places?" Lily asks, prepping the chosen bottle of nail polist (an electric blue with a pearl sheen).

"No, I've had no need to. I'd like to, though!" 

"Why don't you? During break?"

"Hu-huh?"

Something about her stutter must be hilarious, because it always manages to make Lily grin, "During break, let's hang. My family's going to Wales anyways to visit gran and gramps...My parents can meet your parents, and we can see that little Welsh town and see how the Muggles are; Sev can come too!"

The invitation comes as a complete surprise, though perhaps she should have expected it: they _have_ been friends for a good few weeks, and as she understands it, friends often visit each other's residences...Mao has some other noble witches come for dinner often, but Natsumi's only ever had cousins over.

"Do you...Would you really want to? Come over, I mean, um--"

“Why would I be asking you if I didn’t want to see you!! You silly goose.” Natsumi thinks of herself as more of a crane, but that’s besides the point, “Of course I want to come over! Away from all these people!” 

It’s a bit silly, but at the confession that Lily wants to spend time with her fills her with such emotion. An overflowing warmth that blooms from her chest and spreads to the rest of her body, heating up her limbs--As if a blanket had been wrapped tightly around her. Yet she almost feels like tearing up. How strange.

“Don’t you dare cry!” Lily explains, wagging her finger, “I forbid it, actually! I’m your friend, so of course I want to be around you--It’s natural! Come here--” And oh Gods, Lily moves in with her arms outstretched for a hug. And when was the last time Natsumi was hugged? The thought of the girl before her embracing her is too much. Too damn much. It’s too close, it’s so warm, so very too soft good comforting needed--

She buries her face in Lily’s shoulder, half-ashamed of how touch starved she’s become in order to accept this hug, half-ashamed that she thinks she has to somehow be worthy of a hug from a friend. At this action, Lily’s hold on her tightens, _I got you_, it says. 

Natsumi doesn’t cry, not after Lily’s asked her not to. She lets out a shuddering breath instead, and Lily understands.

-

The whole ride back for Winter Holiday is somewhat like their first journey together: a little awkward, mostly filled in with Lily's talking, and a little comfortable. Severus seems to have accepted that Natsumi isn't going anywhere, and Lily still hasn't given up on turning the two of them into best friends. Hopefully she won't be _too_ crushed when she realizes that it probably won't happen.

By the end of the train ride, Lily's exhausted so many topics of conversation that's she's on about Christmas plans and gifts. Particularly those she's going to give to her friends at Hogwarts, "Just _wait_ until you see what I got you, Sev, you'll lose your head over it!" 

Severus chuckles, looking a little sad. Natsumi wonders why, and doesn't ask. None of her business.

Once Severus' mother collects her son (she bids her a solid _good day_ and asks to send her regards to her mother), Lily turns to Natsumi and embraces her. It's not their first hug, far from it, but something about it being a _goodbye_ hug makes Natsumi still. She doesn't even really protest when Lily only squeezes tighter instead of separating.

“I don’t wanna let go,” Lily explains, her warm breath brushing against Natsumi’s ear, “you’re too soft and cuddly.” 

“You’re so silly!” Natsumi blushes through the words, “We’re seeing each other for the holiday, right? It’ll be here before you know it.” 

Her friend sighs, “It’ll feel like an eternity...I just wanna put you in my pocket and run away, you know?” 

A strange sentiment, but she supposes she understands, “I know.” 

The last thing Natsumi sees of Lily before her personal handmaid apparates them off the platform is her somber, yearning green eyes. 

-

It’s January the second when Natsumi, her handmaiden, and Mao pick up the Evans at Prestatyn Railway Station. They are dressed in their travel clothes and plain green cloaks with toasty, matching hats that warm up her ears from the bitter cold. It had been a battle to arrange this meeting, at least on Lily’s end. There were matters of convenience, politeness, time, money, and (the most difficult roadblock) her own sister, Petunia. Who would house them while they stay in this small wizarding community they know nothing about? They can’t _possibly_ intrude on the poor Akiyamas like that, especially on such short notice, what about Gran? Lily documented the nicer bits (Natsumi's sure she excludes anything having to do with her sister's protests), but on the day after Christmas, an owl arrives stating that _yes_, Lily's parents have finally given in. After a courteous letter from Natsumi's step-father, of course. 

“Nat!!” Lily sprints over to her as if it had been years since they parted, nearly tumbling her over with sheer force, “It’s good to see you!” 

She replies likewise, watching with growing shyness at the way Lily’s parents chuckle at her antics, and how scandalized Petunia looks, red with embarrassment, head turning to make sure that no one else on the platform had caught the moment.

Mao, dignified as ever, pays no mind to Lily’s antics (save for perhaps a brow raise) and introduces herself to Mr. and Mrs. Evans, apologizing for their parents’ absence and instructing the servant to take their bags. Petunia, smarter than she looks, doesn’t say anything particularly rude to Mao, but she does stare a bit in what Natsumi identifies as curiosity.

The expression leaves her face, of course, when Lily introduces them with a smile, pushing them towards each other as if they were dollies. The blonde looks sour, eyeing Natsumi like she were carrying buckets of rats or perhaps covered in green ooze. Natsumi smiles, anyways, holding out her hand to the older girl in good spirits, for the sake of her friend, "Um, hello! Lily's told me so much about her big sister, um, it's an honor to finally meet you!"

The blonde does _not_ want to take Natsumi's hand, but one sharp look from her mother changes her mind quick enough: she shakes it once, loosely, retracting her hand back to her crossed arm pose as soon as physically possible. Natsumi's never felt so diseased. Mrs. Evans smiles brightly, in what Natsumi hopes is in a reassuring way, and pulls Petunia away, excusing herself.

"_Pet,"_ the girl's mother half-pleads, half-threatens in a whisper, "we are guests here and I will not have you..."

Natsumi doesn't care to listen to the rest.

As Natsumi’s personal servant apparates away with the Evans’ luggage (minus a small, leather trunk that Lily insisted she carry herself), Mao directs the family to their private car awaiting them outside the station. Normally, they’d allow guests to side-along apparate with them back to the manor, but in consideration of their inexperience with apparating, Mao thought that a car would be more comfortable (nevermind that Mao does not yet have her apparating license). Natsumi almost giggles at how relieved Lily’s parents look.

“Your lot own cars?” 

\--Who said that? Natsumi blinks, rather unladylike, staring at Petunia, “H-huh?” 

Lily’s older sister huffs, “_I said,_” it appears she doesn’t like to repeat herself, her long face is turning pink, “_Your lot own cars?_” 

“I was going to ask that too!” Lily peeps, excited that her sister started a topic of conversation, hopping inside the extended interior of the 1960s Rolls Royce, “Most purebloods don’t even know what a car is!” 

Mao closes the door behind everyone, sitting across from Petunia and her parents, and taps the partition behind her twice, signaling for the driver to start, “Yes, we are not the _traditional_ type of pureblood you often encounter...Father finds it prudent to blend in as much as possible with Muggles, you never know when you’re going to need some _props._” 

Natsumi nods, sitting in between Mao and Lily, “The servants who can’t apparate use the car to drive into town and buy supplies. It’s very handy.” 

The twenty-five minute drive rides by smoothly, with Mao keeping a steady stream of conversation going with the Evanses, ever the perfect hostess (as she was raised to be). Lily occupies her time with _ignoring_ Mao and pointing out sheep they pass to Natsumi, as well as wild foxes and interesting looking birds. Petunia sulks, facing the other direction at the cold scenery, only occasionally stealing glances across the way.

"Sev usually spends the holidays with us, as much as he can. His folks aren't too big on Christmas and New Years; he was real down when he heard we were going to Wales to visit gran."

"His parents won't let him come?" A bit unfair, but understandable if they were the worrying type (which by Lily's descriptions of them, that's only half likely).

"His mum seemed alright with it, and his dad said _maybe..._If he does though, I hope his mum comes with him! Does your mum remember his?"

That's...hard to say. Mother is very reserved, and frequently forgets where she places most everything. Would she remember a friend from her school years? "I would think so."

"How nice, don't you think? The idea of a friendship lasting through decades."

Natsumi's cheeks tint pink, "Yes, how nice."

-

Their arrival at the Akiyama compound causes plenty of awe from Lily: it's a bizarre architechnical feat of magic, after all. A silhouette that wouldn't be considered out of place in Japan, but with bricks and stones rather than being constructed of all wood. Classic Meiji architecture. It was her ancestor's pride and joy, and it remains hers as well. As they enter the building, Natsumi's handmaiden and another servant bow to them, waiting, as Mao and Natsumi slip off their warm winter boots.

"It's to not track dirt in the house." Mao explains, "If you're nervous about any _smell,_ then Yura here will take care of it for you." She gestures to Natsumi's personal servant, who inclines her head at them, not making eye contact.

_"At your service."_

Petunia and her parents gawk, not used to or expecting such treatment, but Lily goes on about how _cool_ it is to have a servant and immediately flusters poor Yura by getting up close and asking her about her life. Luckily for Natsumi's handmaiden, Mrs. Evans pulls back her youngest quick, lecturing her about personal space.

Once everyone's shoes are off and tucked into a safe space in the entryway (socks remain on, for comfort and warmth), Mao instructs Yura to guide the Evans to the guest wing: an adjoining set of rooms to the north of the compound where Yura had already taken and set up their bags.

Lily has an eager little hop in her stance, holding her little brown trunk, "I'll be down the hall in Nat's room!"

Lily's father smiles at her, and Natsumi can see where she got hers from, "Be good, Lilly-Bug, we'll see you at dinner."

Her friend fusses a little at the nickname before following her to her room, exclaming about her father being _so embarrassing. _

Natsumi's room is modest, seeing as she's the youngest, it's filled with her books, toys, and necessities. Just like the outside, it's a fusion of Western and Japanese aesthetics, which hopefully will help Lily and the rest not be _too_ homesick.

"Your room is so cool, Nat." 

"Um, thank you, Lily--What's in your trunk?"

"Oh right! I almost forgot!"

To Natsumi's surprise, the little trunk Lily holds opens up to a strange, Muggle looking contraption. The roof of the inside is the same color as the outside, neatly perforated with organized rows of holes. There's some lettering too, in white, too neat and strange to possibly be done by hand. On the bottom, there's a sort of pale blue shell perforated with organized holes and fitted with thin dials labeled with numbers. An arm-like branch goes inwards towards the imprint of a circle, like a hand on a clock. Off-white strings twist in a loop, tied together by something. Lily then takes out a large, flat, colorful plane of paper--An envelope of some kind. It's bright white, the back of it showing a color photograph (unmoving, of course) of a few men and a woman performing on a stage with an upside down picture of another man projecting behind them. The front only holds an unnaturally vivid drawing of a banana on the surface, along with a signature. She tips the envelope and out sides a lustrous, black disc with a white label adhered to it.

"Is that a gramophone? The record's so shiny! What material is it?" 

Triumphant at her friend's excitement, Lily proudly shows off the record as if it were her newborn child, "I got it for Christmas! And this right here? My most prized record...Mum made me throw it out years ago because Tuney tattled on me, but I crawled back into the bin later and fished it out."

"Your mother doesn't like music…?" That doesn't sound right.

A shake of her head, "No no...Mum loves music...I have some of her albums here with me too, she's mad for The Carpenters...It's just, um," Lily bites her lip, nervous, "Don't judge it...Not until you listen to it, okay? They sing about...some bad things n' stuff...sex and drugs and...But they're not encouraging it!! It's poetic, see--Lou Reed, he's this bloke on the back of the album," she points to him accordingly, "--He's an English major!! All these words, they're no different from how nasty Shakespeare gets, yeah? He's not doing it to be creepy, he really cares about the meaning...Please don't judge it until you listen."

The hurt tone in her voice makes Natsumi's heart ache. Even if she's not privy to those kinds of things (indeed, the thought of sex and drugs makes her hideously anxious), how can she deny Lily? Not after she's been so good to her, so loving so accepting...It wouldn't be right. She's not a deviant just because she listens to people sing about...about debauchery. Even Shakespeare had lowbrow humor in his stories, didn't he?

A nod, "I won't judge."

Lily smiles, though still hesitant, and proceeds to load her record up, commenting on her good foresight to bring batteries for her player.

And as the needle drops, Natsumi's not sure what exactly she expects--She's never listened to Muggle music--but the opening notes of what sounds just like her mother's musicbox isn't it. A strangely distant, drawn out and echoed voice sings about a Sunday morning. A man singing about waiting for his man with money in hand to the tune of upbeat elektrik guitars and snappy drums. A soft tambourine beating along to a woman's droll singing about a woman of less reputable nature....

The music is a strange experience. Nothing like she's ever heard before, Natsumi imagines that it's the type of music that they listen to on distant planets or in the courts of fae...As the album plays its songs, she and Lily lay on their backs staring up at the ceiling of Natsumi's room, their heads across from each other: if they turned to the side, they'd be facing each other, but Natsumi doesn't. That's too intimate.

So she doesn't see how long Lily spends staring at her.

-

Somewhere between _Velvet Underground & Nico_ and _Pet Sounds_, Lily gets up to dance, to the secondhand embarrassment of Natsumi, who hasn't ever danced in front of anyone since she was 2--More mortifying is when in the middle of _Let It Be_, she takes her hand and lifts her up with her to _twist_ and _pop_ and move in a way that _oh_, if her mother saw, she just might faint.

But, strangest of all, _she loves it._ Lily instructing her how to shake her arms and spin is the funnest time she's had in forever. Their laughter mixing together with the music, holding hands as they jump and dance...She's disappointed when _One After 909_ ends and _The Long and Winding Road_ starts, because it's considerably slower than the first, and as they catch their breath, Natsumi's embarrassment catches up too.

Hands press onto her cheeks as she blushes, "Oh!"

"That was brilliant, Nat!" Lily moves to take back her hands from her face, "You never told me you could dance!"

_"I can't._" She confesses, "That was the first time."

Something in Lily's eyes sparkles, "Yeah? I'm your first, then?" What strange wording, "Well you're a _natural._ Tuney can keep up with me, but she likes to pretend she hates rock."

Yes, she thinks she remembers Lily mentioning something like that, "Oh yes...Something about chimps…?"

"Monkees!" Lily cries, "Oh I forgot them at home! Argh!!" She snaps her finger, "Damn. I wanted you to listen to _Daydream Believer._ I caught Tuney humming it once when she was doing some homework." She _hehehehs_ as if this revelation proved her sister was guilty of something, "All she plays at home is Mozart, but I found a Temptations record under her bed!!"

"Muggles know who Mozart is?"

"_Wizards_ know who Mozart is?"

Point taken.

They're then called for an early dinner, where they partake in a lovely meal prepared by the cook of the house, and Mao fields all of the Evans' questions about their family, history, and magic. She also apologises for the still absent parents, says that they were called away to Scotland, and would be back in time for lunch tomorrow.

"--As an apology, would you allow us to escort you to some sight seeing?" Natsumi perks up, knowing what Mao means, "Mother's family has a personal shrine on Snowdonia that has a lovely view of the area around it, we always go there in the New Year to pay respects to our ancestors. We could get there by Floo if you're not feeling too tired?"

Half a second of consideration, Natsumi's face almost falls because it looks like they won't be going _tonight,_ but Lily cuts right through the hesitation with her sharp tongue. All but begging her parents for the chance. _'When are we going to see a real, authentic Japanese shrine, mum?'_ It takes a lot to keep from giggling at it. How on earth do her parents discipline her? It feels as though she calls all the shots in the family (which might explains Petunia's weird aversion to her own sister).

"It's late, Lil, we're still tired from the train from Swansea." Her dad looks truly remorseful.

"But daaaaaad," she pouts, pleading.

"If it's a matter of supervision, I'm happy to escort them." Mao offers, folding her hands together on the table, "The shrine is maintained twentyfour-seven by several groundskeepers and priests, so there's no shortage of help should it be needed--And I can promise the two of you that it will not: the wards on the family shrine have been up for almost two centuries now, and are reinforced yearly."

Natsumi wants to shower her big sister with gratitude, but refrains from doing so out of respect and manners (she'll get her something really nice as thanks later!!). Lily looks almost suspicious of Mao's intentions, but looks back towards her parents with newly enforced vigor, "See dad? You can trust Nat's sister, she's a _prefect!_ I bet she's even more responsible than Petunia!" Said girl visibly huffs at this declaration, "We won't be long, right? I won't even ask for a tour, I promise!!"

After a sigh, he relents, and Lily cheers, reaching over her chair to engulf Natsumi in another hug (she almost spills her tea in surprise).

The cleanup after dinner is fast, and soon they're all gathered in front of the grand fireplace in the main parlor, listening to Mao's instructions on Floo powder. Lily and she already know what the jist of it is (though it will be the latter's first time using it), but the rest do not, and in case of any emergency, it's best for all involved to be aware. A quick kiss on the cheek is given to Lily by her parents (and a _hmph_ from Petunia), and soon enough she's in the fireplace shouting _Esgormori!_ and dropping a handful of powder, disappearing into green flames.

At their destination (a small rest stop along the mountain path), covered in ash, Lily thrills about the new sensation of traveling by Floo before being joined up by Mao, also (but less than the two of them) covered in ash. A quick scourgify from an attendant later, they step outside into a gentle snowfall, high at the side of a mountain, with still a little ways to the top to go.

"The shrine is at the peak, it's only a few minutes walk up from here." Mao explains, turning to the two of them, "Don't stray from the path, and follow the lit lanterns. Evans, would you mind allowing me to speak to my sister for a moment, please?" It's easy to tell that yes, she _does_ mind, but Lily consents anyways, probably remembering that it was because of Mao that this could even happen. She trots away a few meters. Her sister faces her, "I know you," Mao says, her eagle-sharp gaze never once blinking, "you are a responsible witch. I won't leave you unattended, but I will stay back a few paces to keep your privacy. I expect you to teach Evans the respectful way to enter our shrine and pay homage to the kami."

Her chest inflates with pride, "Yes, Mao. I will, Mao." If she were more like her friend, she'd salute, but instead she bows, "...Thank you for escorting us here!! I, um, I really appreciate it!!!"

Mao gives a little _heh,_ sound, "Run along, Evans is getting impatient."

Natsumi joins up with Lily before the base of the hill. They begin walking.

Lily talks about her Christmas, the stories her grandfather told, the discreditations her grandmother gave to said stories, and the other great gifts given to her (including a knitted tea cozy from Petunia). Natsumi, not celebrating Christmas, begins to talk about the shrine, the _jinja,_ at the peak of this hill.

"The only jinja in all of Wales--And Europe[1], really." Natsumi sighs, amused, "Built in 1868, when my great-great-great grandfather permanently settled here. His wife wanted a proper place to take their newborn, my great-great-great uncle, for his Miyamairi," She writes with the discarded branch in the snow, 宮参り, because it's become a habit at this point, and she knows Lily loves seeing the characters written out. "It's a rite of passage for newborns, held a month to one-hundred days after birth...I suppose the closest I can compare it to is a baptism."

Lily nods, commenting on how ghastly she looked in her baptism dress, and Natsumi giggles at the imagery.

"Yes...Well, the only place my family had had it done was at our main branch compound back in Ouchijuku...But you can't apparate with newborns, the risk of splinching is too high."

"So he brought the shrine to her doorstep." Lily concludes, smiling, "That's so sweet!"

"It's hard to think of my great-great-great grandfather as someone _sweet._" Natsumi chuffs, "He was always so stern in photographs, and my grandmother describes him as a hardened, no-nonsense man."

"Well he clearly loved his wife and son, so that makes him _sweet._" Lily insists, and Natsumi knows better than to try and argue.

"Well, he got the help of a few family members, a handful of people from the family of priests that's been blessing our family for centuries, and they scouted out this mountain."

"Mm." Lily hums, eyes glinting, "And it's all just up this peak here?"

"Yes, right beside the mountain Elidir Fawr...We keep it hidden from the Muggles using charms, my family actually owns part of Snowdonia." Her friend's look of shock is a reminder that, to most people, she's considered fairly wealthy. The thought makes her uncomfortable. "Our shrine is called Esgormori: the mountain Esgor, for the Welsh word for birthing, and mori, for the kami lives in the mountain and not the building." She writes エスガオール神社 in the snow, "Technically it could be Akiyama-jinja now that we have a proper building to house the kami of my ancestors, but tradition is best, don't you think?"

"_Sometimes,_" Lily says, rocking on her heels, "like when gran, Tuney, and I bake cookies during Christmas...Traditions like that are beautiful." Natsumi nods her agreement, "...But some traditions aren't worth it. Like the kind those Purists at Hogwarts follow."

Ah...Right. Sometimes Natsumi forgets that Lily is Muggleborn, but Lily probably never does. No one will allow her to.

She squeezes her hand through their thick gloves.

"But anyways," Lily continues, as if what she just said wasn't extremely personal, "All this is just beyond that crest of land, yeah?" Natsumi wonders if she knows she's repeating herself. She doesn't comment on it.

"Yes...It's modest because it's just for my family, but hard to miss if you can get past the repelling charms."

"Am I the first non-Akiyama to witness it, then?"

A blink, "I suppose you are...At least, the first one who isn't about to marry into our family."

Lily lets out a breath at that, something like an _ah_ of revelation, or perhaps a sigh of amusement, "So we're gonna be asking for New Years cheer?"

"In a way...It's an important tradition: the first prayer of the New Year."

"Like going to mass?"

"I..suppose..." Natsumi hesitates, "It's really more like...visiting a grave or memorial. You're paying respects to the kami, and asking for a prosperous year."

"I've been meaning to ask: what are kami? Are those gods?"

"Gods are...Gods are not kami, and kami are not gods. Not really...They're not spirits either, those are both horrible translations...Kami are just themselves. They're...mountains, rivers, animals, extraordinary people...They reside in hot springs and ancient tomes, they're our ancestors...

By the way Lily tilts her head and furrows her brows, Natsumi can tell she's not understanding it--She can't help but giggle, "It's often hard for Westerners to understand the concept of Shinto, particularly Christians. But it's a way of life. A love and appreciation of nature and the heart...Amateratsu is a kami of the sun just as Apollo is a god of the sun, but that doesn't make them the same, right?"

Lily hums, contemplative, "Sounds a bit disorganized, in a good way...I'm not going to be putting any _false idols_ before Jesus in this place, am I? Gran would go mad." Natsumi actually _laughs_ aloud at the suggestion, "--What? Don't laugh, Nat! I'm serious! Mum's very open and loving, but _her_ mum would have her head if I pledged to a higher power that wasn't the Holy Spirit!"

"I--I'm sorry, Lily...I don't mean to laugh, it's just...You don't have to worry. Not at all: plenty of Christians go to shrines for blessings...It's not about worshipping in grand, systematic ways. It's about respect and reflection."

She looks like she's having a hard time believing it, but she trusts Natsumi, in the end, when they pass the first set of torii gates (they bow before entering), and she shows her how to properly purify herself before entering the jinja. Standing before a flowing basin, Natsumi reaches for a wooden ladle, "Here, give me your hand,"

Lily does, almost gingerly, as if the act itself were a sacred movement. Natsumi washes her left hand first, the ice cold water threading through their fingers into the drain below their feet, then the right, then she pours more water into Lily's cupped left hand, "Wash out your mouth and spit into the drain." And Lily does not ask questions, she merely does as she is told. Afterwards, her left hand is washed again, and the remaining water in the ladle is poured over itself before returning to its place over the well.

Natsumi doesn't notice Lily blushing, staring at her own hands, as Natsumi proceeds to purify herself.

"Ready?"

A nod.

They walk on the left hand side of the stairs (_"The kami walk in the center, so we have to keep out of their way!"_)under the final torii gate (a second bow is required), and up towards the saisen box, where she lends Lily a five-yen coin[2] to toss in, tells her how to ring the bell, bow twice, clap twice, bow again, before praying quietly.

The walk back down the mountain is mostly silent, the only sounds around them consisting of the wind and Lily’s content whistling.

.

.

.

"So about how many kami are there, then?"

"Oh, about eight million.[3]"

"_WHAT._"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Actually the only jinja in Europe is in the country of San Marino now!
> 
> [2] The most popular offering to give is a five yen coin because in Japanese, goen, sounds like 'honorable connection', so it gives you a good link to the kami.
> 
> [3] 8 million (八百万) can also be read as "yaoyorozu", which would translate to "myriad" or "countless". It just means there are a ton of Kami, Natsumi was having a bit of fun at Lily's expense.
> 
> Some notes about Shinto shrines: mori (神社, 社 and 杜 can all be read as mori) is the word/term appended to the name of the shrine in question if the kami is simply present naturally, without a house or room for it to live in. Such as a kami being present in a mountain (like the Esgor mountain (fictional) that Natsumi's family owns), river, grove, tree, etc. The term jinja (神社) is used as a general term for shinto shrines, and is used for those that have honden (本殿) (or shinden, 神殿, or sometimes shōden, 昇殿), which is the sacred house/room where the kami lives (usually in a sacred object like a mirror, sword, etc. that acts as a temporary body) A mori shrine, despite having no man-made monuments or buildings, is just as legit as any other shrine. So if, say, a kami or god or spirit lives in a bog behind your house, that place is sacred, and can be considered a shine. At least, that's my understanding. The shrine that Natsumi's family built houses both the kami of the mountain it sits on and the kami of her ancestors, hence why she says it would also be acceptable to refer to it as Akiyama Jinja.
> 
> What I know about Shinto is straight from my stint of taking Japanese in high school (like, back in 2012-2013) and from my own research. I'd describe Kami as being gods but not Gods with a capital G, if that makes sense. Or faeries, but the old kind that could be evil, good, or in-between. Idk. Pick up a book about it if you're interested.
> 
> A note on Welsh pronunciation, re: Esgor: I couldn't find any native speakers speaking the word, so I dug deeper and found a page introducing Welsh pronunciation. I don’t know if the E is short or long (I went with the short vowel), so it would be E like in pet, then S as in sad, G like in gun, and O like aw in hawk. The R should be trilled and not dropped. Together with the o, because it’s at the end of the word, it should be pronounced like awr, like the Engish hour. Therefore, Esgor should be pronounced Ehs-guhourr...I think. Any Welsh readers wanna chime in, please do!
> 
> The part at the end was my attempt at an omake (bonus), because those were really popular to use in fics back in the day (when I was 13-15). I hope y’all my age and up had a lil nostalgic throwback!
> 
> With all that said: Next chapter should skip through the rest of first year through maybe third? We'll see. Also: I didn't know Petunia was supposed to be over three years older than Lily? Cries, whatever, who even cares.


	4. A quiet thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's a few days late, instead of posting, I was an irresponsible lil dumbass, and earned myself a hangover.
> 
> CW for outright lying to one's face and friend policing.

The summer after her first year, Natsumi visits the Evans household for the first time.

Lily had been  _ ecstatic  _ for it these past couple of months, and had planned out too many activities to fit into the week Natsumi was to spend there--Including something she calls  _ rollerskating _ , which sounds rather violent, but Lily insists it safe so long as protection is worn. The visit is a welcome distraction for the Muggleborn, as shortly after Easter holidays, there was a Death Eater attack in southern Scotland, fueling the anti-Muggleborn sentiment within the richer circles of witches. Natsumi doesn't like to think about it, but she suspects that Lily's bullying would be much worse were it not for the company of herself and Severus.

When she arrives at the apparition point with Yura, the warm weather smacks her in the face--This summer's going to be a nasty one. As for the town itself, Cokesworth is a homely suburb, not rich, not poor, and full of rowdy children. It's exactly the sort of place that Natsumi imagined Lily living, moreso when she sees the grand bed of flowers in the front of the Evans house, where Mrs. Evans and Petunia were spending time together gardening. The greeting from Lily's mother is warm. The one from Petunia less so--She had spent the whole Yule holiday sulking in her room and ignoring the existence of Lily and Natsumi as best as she could have. If she ever really left the compound, Natsumi wasn't there to see it. She suspects this visit to the Evans would be similar: except they'll all be sleeping in the same room.

Lily, of course, has no end to her excitement once she sees Natsumi: she charges outside to envelop her in a tackle-hug (it's a wonder Natsumi isn't more bruised thanks to Lily), talking about introducing her to the telly and toaster. Yura bids them a goodbye, and leaves Natsumi with her trunk, which Lily insists on carrying up to her room.

"Pet, dear, go help Natsumi settle in, will you?"

Petunia scowls at her mother's words but doesn't dare defy her. She brushes off the grass from her knees and leaves her gardening gloves on the bench outside. The walk up the stairs and to the girls' room is incredibly uncomfortable. Even with Lily's chattering.

Their room is bright peach. Every other photo or knickknack is something that could be owned by either of them, be it the old dollhouse in the corner, the music memorabilia, or the quilt folded over the rocking chair by the window. In fact, the only way anyone would be able to tell that two different people share the room is due to the two beds, one on either side of the space, as well as the various Muggle textbooks for someone of Petunia's age alongside the Hogwarts textbooks for a first year.

It's lovely. Lily's magic is threaded throughout the room, and Natsumi feels it accept her readily. Lily sets aside her trunk by her bed, "I've got today _ all _ planned out, I'm going to teach you how to skate and ride a bike and oh! Mum's making my favorite tonight, so you get to try some good Muggle home cooking. Sev's gonna be here too!" She rants on, happy to chatter and ignore her sister's grumpiness. Unfortunately, she doesn't finish her ramblings, as soon enough, her father calls her downstairs.

"I'll be  _ right _ back!"

She asks Petunia to help out Natsumi, and something in her stomach tightens. The older girl simply keeps her arms crossed and defensive, even after Lily leaves. As if Natsumi were going to start attacking her or transform into a werewolf.

Time to try and initiate conversation: it'll only be harder for her since she'll be sleeping in the same room as she. She clears her throat, "How have you been?"

The blonde is amazing at looking offended by everything that comes out of her mouth, "Fine." A twist of her mouth, "How long did you say you were going to be here for?"

"Um, a week."

Petunia scoffs, looking away, before deciding to speak her peace, "It's not  _ fair. _ This is  _ my _ home. My safe haven. Do you have to invade every aspect of my life?"

The hostility cuts at her like thorns, "I-I'm just visiting. Lily's my friend--"

" _ That freak and you shouldn't even be allowed back here with normal, civilized people--" _

And at that word, something changes in Natsumi. A chemical reaction, as Lily would refer to it. A compound of emotions within. She looks at Petunia, so loud in her anger, and thinks  _ How are you two related? How can a sister feel this way about her family? How can one person hold so much bitterness? _

She boils over.

" _ How dare you! _ " She seethes, her voice breaking, sounding frail even as she shouts, "Lily loves you! You're her idol! You're all she talks about!" Natsumi shakes, afraid but firm, " _ And she needs you! _ You don't know what's been happening,  _ what's going on-- _ " How can she explain the threat of Voldemort to a Muggle who won't listen? The frequent jeers and bullying from the elitist students with worse parents? "-- _ Lily gets death threats weekly! _ And you know what? You sound just like the kids who give them to her! _ " _

Petunia, frozen, wibbles her bottom lip. Her watery eyes looking frantic--guilty. Her fists clench with something. Anger? Natsumi can relate to that. She's feeling pretty heated right now. If she were the type, she might have slapped her.

"So start acting like someone older than four and  _ be a good sister! _ "

Before any retaliation can happen, Natsumi escapes down the stairs, done with waiting for Lily and going to find her.

Later at dinner, Petunia is quiet. This in itself isn't uncommon at all, but it's a different sort of quiet. Solemn and contemplative. Slowly moving her food around the plate with her fork and refusing seconds.

Severus definitely notices. According to his anecdotes, Petunia delights in being shrill and rude at him at every opportunity, but she hasn't spared him a glance once. He doesn't ask about it to Lily, but he does raise a brow at Natsumi, who simply shrugs and helps herself to another serving of mashed potatoes.

For the rest of dinner, she ignores Petunia and converses shyly with Lily, Severus, and the Evans. 

-

At bedtime, after Severus has gone home, Natsumi is setting up her pillow and blanket atop her cot when Lily appears at the door as a spectre does in a haunted house. 

"...Lily?" 

She looks like someone had just told her that the moon crashed and landed in the ocean. Like she's just seen an elephant do a backflip. Like Petunia started casting spells in the living room.

Lily does not reply, but she does walk closer to Natsumi.

"Lily?" She tries again. Lily takes her hands. Rubs the top of them with her thumbs.

"...Petunia and I talked in the kitchen." Natsumi freezes. "...It was a good talk." A breath of relief, "...Said she was sorry. Said….She said ' _ your rude friend yelled at me earlier, at least Snape never did that.' _ " Lily chuckles. Natsumi presses her lips together, knowing that Lily's not  _ angry... _ but feeling that something was off. Something she can't name.

"You've...You've brought Tuney back to me..." Lily mutters, breaking out into a wide smile, "My sister, you gave her back to me. You're...You're magical, Nat."

Natsumi feels Lily squeeze her hands tight, her magic flourishing around her hands: a warm, fierce fire that tingles at her skin pleasantly.

The rest of the holiday, Petunia isn't any friendlier, but she certainly isn't any more hostile. Sleeping in the same room as her is peaceful. Not a single peep out of her until she gets tired of hers and Lily's talking ('It's the middle of the night, shut up and go to bed!') and throws a pillow at them. She doesn't participate in their activities, but does let Natsumi borrow her old roller skates and listen to her personal records ('This is  _ real _ music, not that rubbish my sister plays.') Lily's over the moon about it. Sun shining out of her face at all hours of the day, much to Petunia's annoyance (but she says nothing about it). At night when they lay side by side (Lily often climbs into the cot with Natsumi, which caused the latter to sputter in embarrassment the first time she did so), Lily often just repeats  _ thank you _ to Natsumi. Whispers about how good things are going to be. How soon Petunia and she will also be best friends. In each other's lives forever. That all that's left is for Severus and Petunia to start getting along.

Natsumi doesn't know about  _ that, _ but on the subject of hers and Petunia's relationship, at the end of her stay, the blonde spares a  _ be safe _ at Natsumi, and it's the kindest thing she's ever done.

Natsumi smiles and returns the sentiment.

Severus says she's done the impossible. Lily says that Natsumi is a wonder and invites her back soon for more.

-

During their second year and through the third, Potter and Black get bolder. While their intentions, undoubtedly, were harmless enough, the collateral damage was greater. Now it's not just dyed hair or invisible ink they're playing with, it's broken thumbs and scabs--Poor Severus almost gets his hair caught on  _ fire _ during lunch _ ,  _ which causes Lily to go on a manhunt in the Gryffindor tower. Natsumi's never seen more fear in the two boys eyes.

Which might explain why they're trying to get something from her now.

"You and Red Fury, you're inseparable, yeah?" Potter nudges her arm, trying to seem overly casual.

"I, um, yes, we're good friends."

" _ Best _ friends," Black corrects, "So, she listens to you, right?"

"Right." Potter finishes for her before she has the chance to respond, " _ So, _ you should be able to protect us."

Natsumi blinks, "I'm sorry?"

"Apology accepted." Black says, hand over his heart, "After all, wouldn't it be bad if something,  _ Merlin forbid, _ happen to your own lovely locks of hair?"

She pales, clutching at her hair, " _ What? _ "

"Help  _ us _ help  _ you, _ Akiyama." Potter nods, trying to make eye contact, "Have Evans lighten up a bit, yeah?"

"I, um--"

" _ POTTER. BLACK." _

"Shit--"

Spells fly at the boys, one of which turns out to be the Bat Bogey Hex, as snot-bats fly out of Black's nose. Natsumi sees Lily fuming, stomping up to her, " _ I heard the whole thing. _ " She looks absolutely livid, "How  **dare** they...threatening you like that? You didn't do anything to them! Are you okay?"

"Uhm, I'm fine, Lily, really, I think they were just playing around."

"Your safety isn't a game, Nat." Lily looks to be having trouble calming down, "I need to  _ do _ something about them."

"It's fine, you don't have to--"

"And get you to a safe space. If only Sev was with you," she's not listening at all, "maybe I could get a prefect to escort you? I think you should go back to the common room..."

Natsumi stops talking, knowing that her words would fall on deaf ears.

-

While many students sympathize with Natsumi, none of them are quite ready to be placed in the line of fire when it comes to the pranks of Potter and Black.  _ One _ stink bomb to the nose is one too many, and many of them do not want to risk any more (or any worse) by associating with Natsumi. The girl herself, who was horribly embarrassed that Lily told others about the incident, thinks there's no need for  _ protection. _ That Lily is just overreacting (a feeling shared by Severus), but Lily won't have it. She continues to always escort Natsumi whenever possible, and searches for any other volunteer to do the same when she's unable to for the rest of the year.

Perhaps if their friend circle were  _ bigger, _ it would be much easier.

How has she never noticed how  _ isolated _ her group is? She only sits with the same two people every breakfast, lunch, and dinner--Her study groups rarely let in anyone else, and when they do, they're always quick to leave them behind after the session. It's just a norm. A standard. Not even Severus says anything about it, but Natsumi suspects that's because he doesn't like anyone who isn't Lily. 

Her friend excuses the lack of outsiders and friends by saying that she has all the friends she needs with Natsumi and Severus. That everyone else is a dishrag, and that it was the three of them against the world. 

She also uses this excuse to keep Natsumi from talking to others. Natalie Ollivander, whom she had met her first year, has suddenly stopped acknowledging Natsumi's existence. As have most of the other girls within their house (and others). Lily says they're all fools for sleeping on such a good friend, and that she shouldn't pay attention to them. That she'll do the same and ignore them for the rest of their time at Hogwarts.

So why is Lily sitting pretty with Dorcas Meadows and Marlene Mckinnon when just a few months ago, she told Natsumi that they weren't worth wasting breath on?

Natsumi holds her books tight to her chest, feeling similar to that morning in Lily's room with Petunia. The need for confrontation arises and before she can control herself, she pushes her body forward and walks right up to their table.

" _ Lily. _ "

The girl's face pales. The other two don't seem to notice the atmosphere.

"N-Nat!" She swallows, "What's up?"

"Meadows, Mckinnon, may I please speak to Lily alone?" She's holding back, but the strain in her voice is strong. The two outsiders look at each other and agree, stating that they were about to leave for dinner. When they leave, the air between Lily and Natsumi is dead silent.

"...Waste of breath?"

"Nat--"

"All the friends I'll ever need?"

"It's not like that--"

"Those girls are all dishrags?"

"It's different!"

"How?!" Natsumi's voice raises louder than she thought possible, "Because you're...I bet you're embarrassed by me. You..You want other friends now, friends that don't--That don't stumble over themselves. Friends that need protecting."

"No Nat, no, never," Lily stands, wanting to get closer"Nat, you don't understand, you're--You're too  _ good _ for them."  _ What? _ "You're so good and pure, and--And honestly, I don't trust them around you."

"But...But I thought they were your friends--"

Lily places her hands on Nat, holds firm to her shoulders, preventing her from leaving, "No, Nat. They're...They're nice, I guess, but they're not  _ you. _ " Lily's grip does not relent, "You're just so...What if they influenced you?"

" _ Influenced me?" _

"Like--Like Sev! He's..." her eyes squeeze shut, "He's been...hanging around some strange blokes in Slytherin, and I...I feel like I'm losing him."

Natsumi's eyes soften, but she remains hardened in her resolve. Severus  _ has  _ been hanging around questionable people more and more...It's a part of the reason Lily started her isolation campaign, or so she thought, "If you think that they would  _ influence  _ me in a bad way, why hang out with them?"

Lily bites her lip, and she finally finds it in herself to make solid eye contact with her friend, her water green eyes stark against the whites of her eyes, " _ What if you decide you'd rather be friends with them than me? _

Oh.

"I can't lose you, Nat. Not like I've once lost Tuney. Not like I'm losing Sev."

Natsumi suddenly wants to run away from Lily. Or hug her. Both, somehow, at the same time. She feels like a bird cornered by a viper. What does somebody say to that? What could someone do? Her legs do not move, and her arms cannot.

"You're not going to lose me, Lily."

As if her friend would ever willingly let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long since I've written in the snippets/ficlet style, rather than full on descriptive chapters. I'm rusty, but still satisfied with what's transpired over this short chapter.
> 
> More memories will be written out in future chapters to fill in the gaps, such as the holidays they've been spending together, how Severus and Natsumi are getting along, and Natsumi's family dynamics. PHEW!


	5. A quiet word

During the course of third year, Petunia finally throws aside enough pride to begin writing Lily back (or perhaps she had gained enough courage to approach the little owl Lily uses to send home her letters). It brings Lily to such a bright elation that she's not even bothered by the antics of James Potter and Sirius Black for the rest of the month.

_Speaking of,_ those two had quickly let up on Natsumi soon after their last little encounter. Natsumi's not exactly _bothered_ by it (they were annoying and tedious), but she's not sure she likes the looks of fear that enter their eyes when she approaches them in the hall. Lily can be terrifying, she's seen her stand up for her and Severus before, but _what did she do?_ They still (on occasion) pick on poor Severus during classes and in between periods, but Natsumi might as well not exist to them. _Granted,_ it wasn't like she was the victim of their pranks very often (aside from pure chance), but...It's odd, isn't it? Peculiar.

She decides to investigate herself (Lily's making her so much more confident!), asking the other half of their newly formed group, one Saturday afternoon when Lily was in her Arithmancy class, "Lupin? Pettigrew? Can I, um, steal a moment of your time, please?"

The two, while milder than James and Sirius, had still proven to be quite the mischievous bunch. Thus far, however, it appears that they've been saved from Lily's wrath. When Natsumi mentions it to them, Peter avoids eye contact and Remus sighs.

"They're exaggerating, I'm sure...They said something about Evans _threatening_ them or jinxing them...They're fine blokes, I promise, but they just don't know what it means to face the consequences of their actions."

"It's a pureblood thing." Peter adds, before realizing that Natsumi was (also) a pureblood, "No offense intended!"

Natsumi's lips form a thin line. That _does_ line up with the two boys' attitudes--She's heard stories about Sirius' refusal to complete menial labor in detentions, a definite product of his upbringing, "None taken, Pettigrew." She reassures him, "I was just, um, wondering. Whenever they see me, they look like they're trying to run from a Banshee."

It earns a chuckle, but Natsumi wasn't joking. 

They talk for a little bit more (they compliment her on her speech patterns--Her stuttering having gone down) before departing. Natsumi exits the reference section and immediately comes face to face with Lily, who looked to be waiting.

"--Lily!" She gasps.

"_Nat._" Lily greets her with a hug, as has become the habit, "What's up?"

"O-oh, nothing, um, I was just doing some light reading." Why is she lying to Lily? What does she have to hide?

"Yeah?" Her eyes glance behind Natsumi, searching, "I thought I heard someone talking?"

"Yes, ah, that was Lupin and Pettigrew." Her throat clears, "We chatted a little. Asked about plans to join the dueling club."

"Oh?" Her friend tilts her head, "I didn't know you wanted to join, Nat, I would've gotten you and me an application."

"I--I don't really, I mean," Natsumi shrugs, searching for words to fill up her deception, "I would really love to learn to defend myself. I mean, I, um, I always feel so _bad_ for relying on you." Her gaze goes down to her feet, "And my mother was on the team in her time, so, um, I thought it might be nice, you know?"

When she looks back up, there's something unreadable in Lily's expression. Something that Natsumi can't recognize, and quite frankly, she doesn't want to. It's like watching the gaze of a predator, debating whether or not to kill or spare, "Savvy!" A smile.

Natsumi visibly relaxes. 

"But just so you know," Lily's arm wraps around Natsumi as she leads her out of the library, "you can _always_ rely on me, Nat. I'll always be there. You'll never have to lift a finger." She points at Natsumi for emphasis, "--_In fact,_ you'll never even know you're in trouble."

"Ah, what a peaceful life."

She chuckles, "Couldn't agree more, Nat--Let's go find Sev."

Severus was growing to be a source of _safety_ for Natsumi. Lily was never _as_ intense with him around as without. Perhaps she was keeping his comfort in mind? Perhaps it's best not to think about it. Perhaps it's best to simply enjoy the time the three of them can spend in each other's company.

"How's his mother?"

Lily frowns, "Better. Apparently the doctors let her go outside the other day. Took a walk around the hospital grounds, it was good for her."

Good that's good. She'll have to remember to send something in her mother's name. Flowers or goodies. She can get them on the next Hogsmeade trip.

The first time she had walked into the small town was delightful. A fresh breath of independence that was almost soured by the distant ruckus spurred up by James and his group. At that time, Lily still hadn't made her threat, so it was easy to get caught in the crossfire of whomever they decided to antagonise that day. And most days, it was always Severus. He and Lily seemed to attract them like a shark to blood. If it weren't for the group's tolerance towards wizards of less-than-pure blood, it might have worried Natsumi more: Lily was very publicly (proudly, even) _not_ pure. Severus was more quiet about his blood status, and for that, she didn't fault him: some of his classmates in Slytherin were downright _vicious._

At least James and the rest only cared about having fun. And apparently victimizing Slytherins.

"I want to write her a card. Nothing too flashy, just something to show we care." _We._ Lily is always using _we_ with them. It's hardly ever just something _she's_ doing, "You have beautiful handwriting, Nat, can you write it for me? A collaboration?"

Natsumi can never say no to Lily.

-

Fourth year is her first year without Mao in the wings of the castle. 

Behind her, she's left a legacy of Head Girl, captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team (Chaser), and Gobstones Champion. Heading forward into her future, Mao has the backing, the pride, and the glowing recommendations of every teacher in Hogwarts.

Its awfully big shoes to fill. The moment she enters the common room, she has an anxiety attack in the common room.

Lily panics. Desperately, she pulls at Natsumi's robes, trying to figure out what's wrong. What's happening. What can she do to help. Helplessly, she moves when prefect Pandora Nutter[1] steps in with her wand, and leads Natsumi in deep breathing exercises, her calming, melodic voice easing her into rest.

When she wakes, she's lying in the hospital wing, disoriented and exhausted. On the little table beside her bed are various flowers and cards wishing her a quick recovery--_How long has she been here?_

Madame Pomfrey tells her only half a day. A half a day, and she already has enough goodies to last her a week, is she really that well-loved within her house?

Natsumi should have known, of course, who was behind most of them.

Lily and Severus visit her a little later during lunch--the witch dashes at her upon seeing her awake and apologises and apologises for not being able to do anything for her. For failing her. Severus, per usual, looks helpless, attempting to console the girl to no avail.

"_Lily,_" Natsumi tries to be firm, for once in her life. Tries to find that courage she had when confronting Petunia, "it was out of your control. You wouldn't have done anything."

Lily sniffs, and Natsumi realises that she's crying, "Out of my control?"

She nods, "The conditions for what happened...Mao graduating, the Ravenclaw common room being crowded...Um, it's out of your control. You can't...can't _cultivate_ my environment." Natsumi tries for a smile, trying to lighten the mood, "I'm not like our plants in herbology, yeah?"

Lily bites her bottom lip, thinking, "No...No, you're right." Another sniff, "Gosh, Nat, I'm sorry--I just panicked. Dad had a heart attack a few months ago, remember? And I just..." She takes a tissue that Severus handed her, "Thanks, Sev, I just...I thought I was going to lose him, and I...I guess I thought I was about to lose you too."

Natsumi sighs, "You'll never lose me, Lily. I told you that before." _Now that she thinks about it,_ she's told her that many times--Almost everyday, actually. It's become a mantra. A ritual. Something repeated to keep Lily placated. Content.

The two had brought her the schedules she missed for the morning and went over it with her. The entire wing empty save for them. Severus chides some of the lesser-intelligent students in their shared Herbology class, and Lily makes jokes about their hygiene. It's...normal. Wonderfully normal. Severus has never looked more comfortable and Lily has never looked so _at ease._ It's gone, of course, once Pomfrey shoos them out to give Natsumi space.

It's then she notices that they _weren't_ alone. Just a few bunks over was a frazzled, tired Remus Lupin. Natsumi blushes that she hadn't noticed him earlier, "Hi--"

Oh, when he looks at her, he looks so..._broken. _In more ways than one. Like he got into a fight he couldn't finish or attacked by a bear. Maybe two bears. He does smile weakly, though, and greets her back.

"...Everything okay?"

He hesitates, but nods, "_Just the flu._"

Yes...He does seem to be sick with the flu every other month...Or every month? Yes, it's every month. Since--Since when? They're not in the same house, and she doesn't really speak much to him. It's a little rude to ask 'why is your immune system so terrible' (Lily had taught her what an immune system was, she was _fascinated _by it)...Perhaps it's a chronic illness just like her mother has. 

Just the thought makes her heart ache for Remus. He's so young! Younger than her own mother then she contracted her sickness.

Oh no, does this mean--

The boisterous greeting of James, Sirius, and Peter break her out of her train of thought. _Ah._

The trio makes it half way to Remus before the two frontrunners realise who _else_ is in the wing. They freeze on the spot, Peter moving on until he notices the other two have stopped. He looks as confused as Remus.

"Akiyama." James speaks, swallowing. Watching her as if she were a bomb. Tense and wound up like a coil. A scared deer cornered by a hunter.

She blinks, unsure of what to do with this tension, "Potter. Black." Subsequent nods of the head in greeting, "Peter."

For a second, it looks like things might be okay. Like maybe the two will get over whatever fear they have of interacting with Natsumi and charge forward to be with their friend.

But then Lily walks back in.

_"Nat! I forgot to give you--"_

If James and Sirius were tense before, the mere sound of Lily appears to have struck the fear of the Gods into them. Natsumi watches, helpless, as Lily takes in the newcomers in the room.

_"Potter. Black._"

And Natsumi isn't magic-sensitive, not naturally. She can't see, hear, taste, smell, or touch people's magical signature like others can (not without years of training), but she _swears_ she can sense the raw, bubbling magic radiating from Lily's form. A hurricane. Raw and wild and untamed. The other wizards in the room seem to feel it too, Potter being the strongest: his expression is one of immediate regret and horror. As if Lily weren't _Lily_ but instead He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"Miss Evans!" Pomfrey calls from the other end of the wing, _where her magic hasn't yet reached,_ "I told you to head on out to lunch!"

Immediately the magic recedes. As quick as a tide before a tsunami. Lily's stone faced expression smooths out to one of placidity and friendliness. The expression Natsumi is used to seeing. Her fun, sweet, darling friend, _Lily._

"Sorry, Madame Pomfrey!" Her voice is honeyed, "I forgot to give Natsumi something."

She walks forward, her steps confident and threatening. James and Sirius stay frozen on the spot, and Peter and Remus stay staring, absolutely lost on just what's going on. Natsumi twiddles her fingers, the sheer awkwardness of the situation eating at her anxiety (_hopefully she won't have another attack_).

"_Here you go, Nat._" Lily smiles bright, handing Natsumi a thin book, "It's the book I wanted you to read, _The Color Purple._"

Natsumi swallows and smiles timidly at her, a shaky hand reading out to receive it--Lily's hands brush over hers purposefully, and she feels that spark of dangerous magic as before: contained. 

"There, Miss Evans, you've given your book, now _off with you. _Miss Akiyama needs her rest in order to leave by tonight."

Lily lingers, still smiling, looking at Natsumi, "_Of course,_ Madame. I'll see you later, Nat."

She doesn't look at the boys as she walks out of the wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Good Omens fans, where u at 8) And yes, this is Luna's mom.


	6. Louder

In the summers she's spent at Lily's house, Natsumi has moved from a cot next to Lily's bed, to _sharing_ Lily's bed. It was easier when they were young and small, naturally, but as they grew older, it began to be a harder challenge to not fall off without wrapping themselves around each other: an action Lily embraced wholeheartedly, and an action that made Natsumi burn with sheepishness (was it weird? It was platonic, and Petunia was in the same room--).

Naturally, the following summer (the summer before their fourth year), Lily's father acquired her a queen sized mattress (much to the envy of Petunia, who was away at college anyways, studying business, which left them the room for themselves). With Lily being as cuddly as a bear, this did not stop her from curling up against Natsumi at every possible moment. Something that made the hot summers in the air conditioned-less room rather unbearable (no underage magic allowed in the house, _what a stupid rule!!_)

No one had remembered to give Lily the reminder, however, that the beds in the Ravenclaw dormitory would forever stay twin sized. No matter how much she snuck under Natsumi's covers and complained about the lack of legroom.

"We're all legs now, Nat! All of our growth went to our legs instead of our bosoms!"

The thought makes Natsumi giggle, because, well, so far it's true: growing into _womanhood_ for them meant sudden growth spurts that made them taller than most boys in their year (including Severus, poor thing). She's not surprised because the women in her family tend to lack the curves of Western ladies, but also she was hoping the genes of her father might have appeared in more than just her eyes and hair...There's still time, perhaps. She's only fourteen.

"Then maybe you should sleep in your own bed?" She suggests, innocent, but missing her personal space.

Lily pretends to think about it, "_Nah._" She cozies up closer, and in the dark, Natsumi can feel her breath, "I like this better, don't you?"

She admits: there's an appeal to closeness like this. Sharing secrets and being nostalgic for the times they were eleven and doing the same. But…

"_Don't you, Nat?_" Her friend's voice carries a sharp edge to it, a glass teetering at the end of a table, about to fall. About to shatter.

"Of course, Lily." Natsumi answers automatically, knowing that if she left the girl hanging too long, she would get hurt by the lack of reply (or rather by the reply she gives rather than the one Lily wants to hear).

Lily smiles, even if she can't see it, Natsumi can feel it. Hear it in her voice, "Good."

-

The day Severus calls Lily a mudblood, three things happen.

One: Severus calls Lily a mudblood. It was an ugly word to begin with, but hearing it come out of Severus' mouth was shocking on an entirely different level. The word has no personal weight to Natsumi, but even she feels disgusted at having it said aloud anywhere near her. So she can only imagine how it felt when it slapped Lily across the face. She'll never be able to forget the emotions she expressed so openly. It'll be burned into her memory forever. Even Potter and his friends look shocked. Horrified on her behalf. Unsure if they should harden their assault on Severus or console Lily. Or perhaps just abscond from the situation altogether. It's a moment that keeps them all frozen in discomfort until Lily manages to move: she huffs, takes two steps towards Natsumi to grab her wrist and marches away, saying but one word, _"Fine."_

Two: Severus apologises _profusely_ to Lily. Tripping over himself and even stuttering to get the right words out. Following her (and Natsumi by extension) everywhere on that day--Even to the girl's bathroom (he hadn't realized, and he was quickly scolded and escorted out). It all sounds so garbled and scrunched up together. Like an imitation of an apology. Lily scowls and tells him to _fuck off_ in none too subtle words. Says to Natsumi that Severus hasn't ever apologized once in his life, and she doesn't expect a real one from him anytime soon. She says this with resolve and an air of acceptance. It doesn't prepare Natsumi at all for what happens next.

Three: Lily cries. Sobs. Weeps. In the privacy of the second-floor girls' bathroom, Lily crumbles into Natsumi's arms. Clutching her close, as if she were afraid that she'd disappear (where would she go?). Natsumi doesn't even mind the snot on her robes, or the salt stains, or the wrinkling. She doesn't even mind Moaning Myrtle, occasionally chiming in with similar stories on being called mudblood. What she does mind is her friend crying: something she's never seen...At least in this capacity. Lily cried when her father had the heart attack. When her mother was diagnosed with something called _early onset dementia._ But those were different from this. This was the wailing of someone betrayed by a loved one.

"It's...it's one thing when a stupid munter calls you by...by that word." She sniffles, squeezing Natsumi for support, "But when you hear it from the lips of someone who's supposed to be your friend, _Nat--_"

It's not the first or the last time Natsumi has or will comfort Lily. Far from it. But it is definitely the time in her head she'll remember most--In the future, looking back. A time where she thought _should I get involved?_

But now, in the present, Natsumi just rubs Lily's back as soothingly as she can. Opening her ears to her friend's sorrows. To how she's been ignoring his descent into muck for so long--That she thought their friendship was stronger than this. Than those stupid Slytherin boys with ambitious dreams of becoming as bigoted as their parents at best and joining _You-Know-Who _at worst_._ And...Natsumi doesn't actually think Lily's overreacting with this one. Not this time. Not at all. Though Natsumi and Severus have always kept each other at arm's length, looking back, she can practically chart his slow fall into _Purism._

It terrifies her. Infuriates her.

So here is the secret _fourth_ thing that happens the day that Severus Snape calls Lily Evans a mudblood: Natsumi Akiyama finds him and _slaps him_.

The resounding clap feels so loud--And perhaps it is. Birds perched on a nearby tree go flying into the distance in a burst of caws. It's the perfect accent to his surprised face, one cheek already growing pinker by the second. He's gaping. No anger has bled into his expression. Yet. She expects it. Anticipates it, even.

"_When you apologise, you--You mean it! You take responsibility! You do not make excuses!_" And what does Natsumi know about apologies? Only of the ones given to her by Lily, "If you love your little group of Death Eaters, then keep them! You can't have both!!" Because it feels like Severus was trying to have his cake and eat it as well--Is that the correct use of the phrase? Natsumi can't wrap her head around it, "Not even Black has called Lily such a--Such a dirty word! _Black!_ With how he was raised, not _once_ did that horrid word slip out from his lips! You have no excuse!" There is is again: that righteous fury that consumed her when she confronted Petunia. "Did you think you could--Did you think you could keep Lily as a friend while befriending wizards who think she's worth less than...Than the dirt under their fingernails?" Against her wishes, Natsumi starts tearing up, remembering how Lily trembled in her arms, how she cried, how she clung to her and lamented the time spent trying to justify his increasingly awful behavior, "How can you stay _friends_ with the people who want Lily **dead**?"

And something changes in Severus' eyes at her final sentence, because instead of boiling over and yelling back, as she expected, he stops. Seizes. Freezes. Steps back. Body language shielding himself away.

"N-Nothing to say to that?" Natsumi's disappointed. And it shows. "You know, I used to think I knew what Lily saw in you." She can stop here, but she doesn't, "A boy who was lonely. Needed a chance. A-A brilliant boy with a loyal heart. But now I see she was just making excuses for the boy who first showed her magic--A boy who could have been _anybody_. _You're not special._"

Her legs (_her too long legs_) carry her away from him before he can reply. She doesn't want to hear whatever excuses or insults he has for her. Whatever story he cooks up to try and gain her sympathy. She leaves because she knows she won't be able to resist slapping him again. Or hexing him and risk getting detention. Or expelled. He's _not_ worth it. And she knows it. 

She never thought she'd ever hear from or about Severus again. Not outside of Hogwarts gossip anyways. It's an easy gap to spot when you see her and Lily studying by themselves in the library, but Natsumi's doing her best to fill it in with banter. Distractions. Natsumi's always been good with distractions. For herself, for Lily, for her mother…

_Her mother._ How will she tell her that she's had a falling out with the son of her school-friend? Were they ever friends? It's hard to tell, the way she tells stories...So loose and wispy. Like a ghost. She never _did_ tell her just how she knew Severus' mother, Eileen Snape (well, Eileen _Prince_ at the time). Were they even friends? Or just acquaintances? Rivals? (Lily once suggested _girlfriends,_ which caused Natsumi to blush and hush her). Perhaps she won't ever know that Severus and she are no longer...acquaintances. Because they were never really friends. Not really.

At least, not until a week later.

She's reading in the Ravenclaw common room (another lovely book suggested to her by Lily) when the door to the entrance opens: Lily's crying again. She comes in, spots her, runs as she always does (always has), and embraces her--Starts talking a mile a minute. Natsumi can't understand anything that's coming out of her mouth, but she knows that Lily is _happy,_ and it's the happiest she's been all week, so Natsumi is happy too. Regardless of what's causing it. Naturally.

"Nat you're never believe it. You'll never ever believe it--"

"What? What won't I believe?"

"It's so great, Nat, I--_Nat, he apologised._" Natsumi blinks.

"Who did? Potter and Black?"

"What--No, silly--I mean, they _did,_ but that's not what I'm talking about," Lily shakes her head, giving a dazzling smile, "_Sev did._ A real apology. Not like...Not an empty one. He was honest. He owned up to it. It was..." She wipes her tears from her cheeks, "_Goddammit, _I'm too hormonal for this." She laughs, cursing her period, "It was the first time I've ever heard him like this, Nat--I never thought it would happen..." Lily sniffles, "This was you, wasn't it?"

Natsumi blinks again--Was it her? Her outburst? Do these things just have the power to turn Lily's enemies into her friends again? Make Petunia see past her horrid envy? Make Severus get over his absurd dreams of power? Next time she'll yell at James and Sirius. Maybe she can get them to reform their ways of being absolute bastards. Worth a shot.

"Me?" Of course, she never told Lily about her little chat with Severus (should she have? She didn't tell her about her talk with her sister.) It would have worried her. Made her nervous. Or worse: more upset. At Severus or in general. And an upset Lily is a dangerous one.

"_Yes you._" Lily squeezes Natsumi's arms with her hands, "You're a miracle worker Nat...Like...Some kind of purifier. Everything you touch becomes good. Just _so good._ All good. First Tuney and now this, I--" Her voice catches, "I'm going to repay you. I promise. I'll make this world so good for you. Safe and perfect and right. No one will ever hurt you, Nat. I swear on it. On my life. On my magic."

Lily's rambling again. She does this too often, all the time really: promising the world to Natsumi for every little thing. For smiling, for making her laugh, for being there. But something about this time around feels...off. Peculiar. She can feel Lily's magic again: the same as it was when she woke up in the hospital wing and found herself between her friend and Potter. Something powerful and rabbid. Unhinged. Merciless. A typhoon that does not discriminate unless it comes down to Natsumi. Her magic does not mean to threaten her, but that does not stop goose pimples from rising on Natsumi's skin. It puts her on high alert. _Run,_ her gut tells her. _Run._ But she has nowhere to go. There's only Lily and her smile. Lily and her magic. Lily and her promise to never let Natsumi go.

And a part of her likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wash your hands, kids. Stay safe in these strange times.


	7. And louder

Natsumi has never been the object of someone's fixation. At least, outside of her own mother. She's heard stories about it from servant gossip. When she was born, her mother wept with joy and praised her. As if she had given birth to a God. She was paraded and lauded and spoiled to the core before she had snapped out of her mania with a swift slap to the face.

It is not a story her family enjoys telling. They change the subject everytime Natsumi asks about it. They fire any servant bold enough to try and speak on it.

Her mother…

Well, if her mother was obsessed with her at birth, maybe...Maybe she can shed some light on the subject. It's a longshot, of course, with how her mother is, but who else can she trust with this? Mao was not there at her birth, she was away with their grandmother. She doesn't have _fixations_ like this, Mao is rarely even interested in the things she loves (so cool and aloof is her personality). Her grandmother is the same. Strong and still as a statue. She's the one that warned Natsumi against things like greed and overindulgence. Hedonism and debauchery.

Her father, too, is out of the question. Though he cares deeply about her and their family (she _knows_ it), it wouldn't...It's not the same. There's always been this strange layer of...something between them. A barrier that prohibits Natsumi from attempting any closeness. Any bonding. Mao says she's imagining it, but Natsumi isn't so sure.

So, Natsumi does what she does not normally do. She asks her mother.

A week after she has returned home from Hogwarts, she wanders up to her mother's wing. The area is dull and untouched by time: a true memorial to the way things used to be before Natsumi's birth. Knickknacks and photos adorn the halls, all part of her mother's eccentric collection of loved items. She tries not to stare at a family photo taken of them all before Natsumi was in the picture. They look regal. Perfect. _Right._

She knocks on her mother's door, her head bowed down.

"Mama? It's Natusmi. May I enter?"

There's no verbal reply, but the door opens regardless. She mutters a 'thank you' to the door and slides in meekly, making sure not to leave it ajar.

Her mother is resting on her lavish bed, of which could fit ten grown men comfortably. Underneath all the extravagant comforters and duvets, atop all of the silk pillows made of goose feathers, lies her mother, wrapped in a rich robe. Hideko Imube (neé Akiyama) is a wraith of a woman. Her skin is ashy. Pale and deprived of sunlight. Her hair, a once brilliant, deep ink black, is lifeless and limp on her cheek. Her hands tremble constantly, unable to securely hold anything without spilling. Without breaking. Of course, her eyes scare Natsumi the most. Her deep brown eyes, sunken and tired. Resigned. As if she had been sick for a very long time. And maybe she has. Truly. Natsumi's not sure what to call her mother's strange condition.

"Come." She beckons, "Let your mama see you better, my love."

Natsumi takes a deep breath and approaches. She stops at the end of the bed.

"No." Her voice is firm, despite being frail, "_Come._ Let me see my beautiful daughter."

Natsumi climbs onto the tall bed with some difficulty, moving on her hands and knees towards her mother, feeling almost afraid.

Up close, it's easy to see that her mother was once a great beauty. It makes talking to her all the more difficult. She doesn't want to look at her. It's disrespectful! But her mother is not in her right mind, right? She...She insists on making Natsumi look her in the eyes. The way it wasn't meant to be.

"What's wrong?" Ah. Mother's intuition is strong, even in this state, "Tell Mama what ails you."

She's not sure where to start, so she starts at the beginning. Asking her mother if she remembers her stories about Lily. The good and the bad. The hard times and the easy times. The things they have shared and told each other, the things they have done for each other. She asks her mother if that kind of friendship is normal. If that's how people were supposed to love one another. If, perhaps, against all odds, the books were right about how love works, and that it was filled with difficulties and dramatics. She's never had a friend before, so...So what is it supposed to be like? Was it the same with her and Eileen Prince?

“Oh my love, my lovely." Mama's hand is gentle against Natsumi's cheek, "You are loved, so loved, I can see it. It's in your eyes, your skin, your magic."

"Mama..." She sighs, tired of the other's constant string of vague, cryptic messages. _This_ is why she's yet to meet Lily. Or anyone of Mao's friends. "Mama, _I need you to be here._ Not wherever you are right now..."

"I am. I am here, my little pickled plum." She soothes, thumb running over the side of Natsumi's face, "I am always here. For you and your father."

_For her and her father._ But she makes no mention of Mao. And Natsumi knows that her mother does not mean her husband.

"You look so much like him." She boops the tip of Natsumi's nose, content in her observation, "I love him so much. I loved him in the garden--Do you know where he left to, my love?"

"Mama." Natsumi tries to be firm. To be as Lily has taught her to be, "That man is dead. My natural father is dead. They killed him."

Her mother pauses in her gentle caresses, eyes blanking, suddenly coming into focus, "Yes." Her voice is firmer. Resigned. "Yes, that's right."

For a glorious moment, her mother is lucid. In the moment.

"What he did to me...That wasn't love, was it, lovely?"

Natsumi struggles not to cry, "No, Mama, it wasn't."

Her mother hums, thinking over the answer. Over Natsumi's question.

"Men like that..._Witches like that..._They are dangerous, my darling. They will take all they can from you because they are already convinced that it is theirs."

A blink. Her mother...She can't be saying that Lily is anything like… "N-No, Mama, Lily isn't like that, she's kind. And sweet--She's so brave, Mama, if you met her, you'd--"

Natsumi's mother lifts her palm in a stopping motion. Natsumi stops.

"When I met..." She loses her resolve, but finds it once more, "...When I met the man that gave you to me...he was charming. Doting. The best chambermaid I could have asked for...We brought him into our house on a whim. A debt, really. His father was our loyal gardener for years...You wouldn't remember him, you were so small..." A hum and a sigh, her eyes distant. Reminiscing some faraway, distant memory, "...Yes, your Lily loves you. Will love you as long as you let her. But...Do be careful when you are ready to stop receiving that love." A smile, her eyes return to her daughter, "Now, sing me a long, dear. You know the one I love."

Natsumi sighs, resting against her mother's shoulder. Resigned. She opens her mouth and begins to sing, her mother tuning in with her humming harmony.

-

Lily is a prefect. It comes to no surprise to anyone at all, of course, but what _does_ is that Potter is one right alongside her during sixth year. The fool tries to use this to his advantage, but can't quite remember that Lily doesn't like him. And no amount of groveling would change that. Idiot.

Mary loudly proclaims that the knob should have just refused the position of prefect if he knew he was going to be working with Lily, and Natsumi agrees. But apparently his mother wouldn't hear of it. Marlene Mckinnon claims that Potter is actually _in love_ with Lily, which is such an absurd thought, she almost snorts pumpkin juice out of her nose. James is _terrified_ of Lily. He's groveling for mercy, not for affection. He's lucky Lily isn't a Gryffindor. Then he'd be living in constant fear.

Regardless, Severus doesn't like them spending so much time together in the prefect meetings. He, himself, was passed over for the position in favor of Dorcas' brother. A safe choice, considering the strange political climate that's surrounding them all. The Meadows are a respected family but without an agenda. At least, an agenda of harm.

"Being prefect is wonderful, Nat." Lily spreads jam on her toasted bread, "I get to see all the schedules being made and make suggestions--I put us all in the same classes, of course--and assign detentions!" She hums happily, her joy infectious, "Finally I can show those pompous toerags in Slytherin what it means to disrespect my friends."

"I think you've shown them plenty, Lily." Natsumi smiles, "There's a reason you're called _Red Fury_ amongst everyone."

Lily rolls her eyes, "Everyone's such a coward, I never even did anything to warrant that nickname!" Natsumi presses her lips together and doesn't say anything, "I--Come on, really? Nat, I'm not _scary,_ am I?"

Natsumi remembers vividly the feel of Lily's terrifying magic. She shakes her head no.

"Not _scary,_ just formidable."

She squints at her, but seems satisfied. "_Formidable._" Another hum, "Alright. I like that. I'll take it." Lily hops a little, "Oh! I didn't even tell you the best part about being a prefect!"

"I thought punishing those purists was reward enough?"

"_No,_ silly!" Lily laughs, "Come here! You have a free period, right?" She takes Natsumi's hand without waiting for a confirmation and drags her down an unfamiliar hall, full of energy and giggles.

"Lily--Lily, where are we going?"

"It's a surprise!"

There's more suffling, and Lily finally leads her to a secluded door behind a tapestry of a fountain. She takes out her wand.

"Wha--How long has this been here?"

"Since the founder's time, I assume." Lily starts, then pauses, "Although I hear bathing wasn't as common back then, so maybe not!"

"Huh?" Natsumi asks for an explanation, but the door opens under Lily's breath. A password.

The room is large, reminiscent of the baths in the Ravenclaw girls' dormitory. Instead of the blue and bronze color scheme, however, the stonework and tile reflect an iridescent sheen that reminds Natsumi of pearls. The patterns on the floor show intertwining rings and flora, matching the lovely stained glass windows on the wall. On the floor in front of her is a large bath. A pool, really, inlaid with beautiful tile and bright copper pipes. Next to the many faucets are various glass bottles of different colors and shapes and sizes. As Natsumi moves forward into the room, her steps echo. It's cold in here.

"The prefects' bath!" Lily vibrates with excitement. "It's so much more private than the bathroom back in the common room--Though I prefer to be there instead, you know." She gestures to Natsumi, "Since you're there."

Yes, the Ravenclaw girls' bathroom was often a place of _hangout_ for the girls in the tower. It was private and had excellent acoustics for singing songs or overhearing gossip. 

"But! I wanted to show you, since it's your free period and all--I'm actually not supposed to bring anyone else in here. Fifth-year prefects aren't even supposed to know about this place, not until they earn trust, anyways. Apparently there was an incident like this one a few years ago--Guess they'll have to ban sixth-year prefects too, huh?" Lily raises a finger to her lips, winking, "Keep my secret?"

"Of--Of course, Lily!" Natsumi would never betray her like that.

"Teehee," Lily giggles, removing her hat, "_Actually,_ I happen to know the schedule and rounds of the other prefects _annnndddd,_" She begins to kick off her shoes, "They'll be busy for the next hour...Fancy a bath?"

Natsumi blinks as Lily's shoes fly across the room, landing haphazardly next to the sinks. A bath _does_ sound nice, actually...She still feels grimy and sweaty from her Care of Magical Creatures class (those manticores are nasty).

"Alright."

Lily squeals in childish glee, turning the various knobs on the faucets to bring out a specific type of water--Perhaps herbal? Or mineral? She picks through the bottles as well, pouring in some by the liter, and some only using little splashes. It turns the hot water into a light, unnatural, pastel teal hue smelling of eucalyptus. 

Before Natsumi knows it, she hears a splash: Lily's jumped in, her clothes tossed and forgotten on the floor of the bathroom. She emerges with a wild shake of her head, "I thought you'd be much shyer about bathing together!" Lily giggles, her long hair splayed out on the surface of the water.

"Communal baths are normal for my family and culture, Lily." It's always been a bonding activity to be able to bathe and be clean together. Anglos are just strange. "You should see the the private baths my mother has...They made this room look like a broom closet."

Lily giggles, "Yeah? I guess I'm not the first girl you've bathed with, then."

She pauses in the unbuttoning of her robe, "_Lily!_" 

She shrieks with laughter as Natsumi covers her face, "Not like _that,_ Nat!"

Natsumi folds her clothes neatly to the side of the room, next to her shoes, safe from any possible splashes, "Lily, you're going to kill me one day with your mouth."

"Only if you ask nicely, Nat."

The water is hot. Not uncomfortably so. Natsumi is used to dipping into _scalding_ hot water for her baths, so she enters without hesitation. The steam rising, the heat of the water clouding the pool, she feels as if she's stepping into some sort of rejuvenation chamber. What scents did Lily add to this? It's as if all the stress in Natsumi's body had evaporated the moment she made contact.

"Good, right?"

Lily's voice almost seems miles away. Natsumi's brain barely registers it. All she gives in response is a satisfied hum as she sinks into the bath. Lily doesn't seem to take offense to this, though.

"Let me wash your hair," she doesn't wait for a confirmation, merely presses her hand atop of Natsumi's and pushes her down under the water to wet her hair. Natsumi rubs the water out of her eyes, "How have we not bathed together? I feel like it's long overdue--We've never gone swimming together, either."

"I'm not a strong swimmer." Natsumi confesses, allowing Lily to reposition her on the pool steps so that she was sitting, leaning against her as she summoned the different bottles of shampoo and hair oils.

"Well it's a good thing _I'm_ a strong swimmer then." She discards some of the bottles and keeps some, picking them for whatever qualities she deems fit, "So you don't have to be." Finally satisfied, she sets her chosen beauty regimen on the edge of the bath and sets to work.

The first thing Lily does is gather up all of Natsumi's bright red hair. She takes her time with it, positioning her hands so that the tips of her fingernails ran from each side of Natsumi's chin to along her jawline, and finally to the back of her neck. The motion makes Natsumi shivers, despite the heat of the water. Lily doesn't comment on it; rather, her hand comes up, finger running up Natsumi's spine onto her neck where her fingers splay, rising further up onto the back of her head, nails scratching softly over her scalp. It's heavenly. Natsumi's reaction is to immediately relax and melt back into Lily, who hums in satisfaction.

"It's so rare to see you so relaxed Nat...You're really overworking yourself with OWLs, huh?"

"I--" Natsumi stutters a little, and she flushes in embarrassment at the act, "I just want to make my parents proud."

Lily continues to hum, a tune Natsumi recognises as coming from one of her beloved records, "Well _I'm_ already proud of you, you know...And..." Lily pauses, as if wondering whether to share her thoughts.

"...Lily?" Natsumi tries tilting her head back to view her friend.

"...You shouldn't live your life for your parents. Or anyone else." 

Natsumi stays quiet at this admission.

"I'm not going to say I know your family well because, well, _I don't._" She continues, not waiting for Lily to respond, "I've been over to your place loads of times, and I still haven't met your mum! And your sister's always too _busy_ to talk and your father..." She trails off, "Well, he's fine. For a step-father, I mean."

Natsumi can tell that her friend wants to pry more into the matter of her father, but she moves on, "But these expectations they place on you are so...It's so much, Nat. You're just one person." her hand continues to massage the back of Natsumi's head, "I'm worried about you."

"You're always worried about me, Lily." Natsumi sighs, remembering their years together. The strange behavior and the possessiveness. "I'm not...I'm not that delicate little first year you met on the train, you know." She's grown! She's a capable sixth year witch with...with potential!!

"Oh but you are! You're still little and delicate and so cute!" Lily laughs, her other hand idly tracing circles on Natsumi's shoulder, "I've always been taller than you...And you're certainly not rough around the edges." Despite the heat of the water, Lily's touch erupts goosebumps on Natsumi's skin, "And your _eyes,_ Nat...Your eyes haven't changed."

Lily finally uses one of the bottles on the edge of the bath. The scent of sasa yuri flowers blooms from Lily's hands. Natsumi feels delightfully pampered and loved. She almost wishes they could stay like this forever without getting pruney.

"I can fend for myself, Lily."

A chuckle falls from her lips, "I know, Nat. But you shouldn't have to. Not while I'm here. You're strong but..." Lily's hand curls into a strong fist in Natsumi's hair. It doesn't hurt, but it's tight. "...What if something were to happen to you?"

Well that's silly. Natsumi is the most cautious person she knows. Why would anything happen to her when she keeps out of trouble? Even the most dangerous thing around, _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,_ wouldn't target her. She's a pureblood. Even with her friendship with Lily, her family isn't opposing him. So then--

"You're just _so_ good, Nat. So good. I want to preserve that goodness, you know?"

Natsumi blinks as Lily undoes the fist, returning to her grooming, "Like a statis charm?"

Another chuckle, Lily presses Natsumi more into her, and for the first time since they started, Natsumi really registers that they're both naked as the day they were born. She's happy to be facing away from the other.

"_No,_ silly goose...Like..." Lily searches for the right word, "...Like a _gate_ around you. Or a fence. A ward." The more Lily talks about it, the deeper her scalp massage gets, "You remember Tuney's hamster? The one she had for a school assignment?"

"Robert?" How could she forget? It was the strangest name for a pet. And Natsumi's owl tried to eat him. Poor Petunia. She was livid. "What about him?"

"_Well,_" Lily begins, "You remember how much he loved being out of his cage? He'd roam and explore all of me and Tuney's bedroom looking for snacks or places to _hide_ himself from us. Tuney almost lost him for a whole week!" Yes, Natsumi remembers. It was when Tuney starting eyeing the owls that could deliver her parents' messages with suspicion, "But it was better for him, _safer for him,_ to be inside his cage. Where we could watch him. Feed him regularly. Make sure he has enough water. Comfortable bedding...He didn't know any better. He could have chewed through a wire and gotten himself killed. Or eaten by a stray cat. Do you understand?"

Natsumi starts to nod before realizing exactly what Lily was saying to her.

"You're...Are you saying I'm your hamster, Lily?" She pulls away from her, disrupting the still water. Lily reaches out, looking upset at the lost contact. That Natsumi drew away from her.

"No!" Her voice is raised, and she seems to realize that she's overreacting a little. She calms down. Regroups. "I'm just saying, anything could have hurt poor Robert, right? Things he didn't know about because he was never taught the concept of electrical wiring or our neighbors' rowdy pets...Even if he knew about them, there's scarcely anything he can do to protect himself against _everything_ pitted against him, right?"

Natsumi frowns, knowing that Lily cares. That she means well.

Lily continues, "You just need someone to depend on, Nat...To watch after you and take care of you." She approaches slowly, as if she were fearful of scaring Natsumi. As if she would run away from her at a moment's notice, "_Depend on me,_ Nat...I've always been there, you know. Since the start. You and I. Redheaded witches!" She tries for a laugh, but it feels hollow to Natsumi.

"I...I don't want to have to depend on others, Lily." She looks away, "I've done that all my life, and all it's ever given me is debt. Made me feel like a burden."

_"Oh Nat,_" Lily takes the opportunity to walk even closer, despite Natsumi's closed off body language. Despite her arms crossed over her chest. "Nat, I'm not like them. You know that. Do you think I'm like them? That I would use my kindness against you?"

Natsumi's shoulders drop a little, "No." Despite everything, Lily hasn't made her feel like she _owes_ her...Though she's done a lot of other strange things--

"And Nat," Lily's voice cuts off her thoughts, "You know that I love you, right?" She's reached Natsumi's form quickly, hands reaching out to pry her crossed arms away from her body, searching for her hands, "My best friend. Really! More than Tuney. More than Sev."

That...Well, it comes as a surprise. Natsumi knows how much Lily loves her sister and Severus. With a fierce passion. It's why when they had hurt her...It's why it hurt so much. Why Lily cried so hard. She holds them both close to her heart. Does...She has a place beside them, then?

"Really?"

“Oh you’re everything to me, Nat.” Lily smiles, holding her hands, threading their fingers together, “The best friend a girl could ask for--I never dreamt I could ever have a friend like you before. Not in a million years.” 

The sentiment is returned. Natsumi loves Lily dearly; despite some of the little slights over the years. That’s all they were, _slights._ Nothing...Nothing at all that could be considered alarming or damaging. Not the need to take up all of Natsumi’s time and attention, nor the alienating her from the other girls in their year, or the--

“In fact, I wish I could spend more time with you at my wedding than my groom. You’re my best friend!” She smiles, brushing her fingers through Natsumi’s long locks, “I’d have to have a husband who doesn’t mind me spending my honeymoon with you instead. We’d have a fun girl’s night! Like a sleepover, but lasting a whole month!" A hum, "I guess I'd have to marry Sev, then. He'd be fine with it!"

Natsumi highly doubts that. Lily might be too dense to see it, but Severus has been stupidly into her since the beginning. Even if his obsession did die down after the...incident. They don't talk about that anymore. It's resolved. Done with.

"We wouldn't have to kiss or anything and instead, I could share a bed and room with you!"

"If that's the case, why wouldn't you just marry me instead?" It's common sense! Natsumi isn't sure why Lily hasn't connected those dots yet.

". . ." The sudden silence cuts, Lily's fingers cease their threading of Natsumi's hair, "...Yes, Nat, you're right." The grooming continues, "You're absolutely right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the lack of update this past month, my uncle passed away. It's been a very rough couple of months for my family. Thanks to my commissioner for her patience, I hope you all enjoy this longer chapter.
> 
> As a side note: Lily's talk about wanting to marry a boy who doesn't mind that she loves her best female friend more is a common fantasy amongst girls who are closeted lesbians. I, myself, had this same fantasy as a kid, up until I thought I was bisexual at 13.. So trust me, Lily isn't stupid. Grown women have these same ideas for years before realizing they're lesbians.
> 
> Also also: Lily's love is clearly unhealthy. Just a reminder. Don't pursue a relationship like this in real life, kiddos!


	8. A battlecry (Part I)

Everything is normal. At least, normal for Natsumi. Lily continues to monopolize her time outside and inside of classes, outside of school. _It's harmless._ She tells herself as she looks at all of the girls in her year whom she does not (cannot) talk to. _I can stop her whenever I feel it's gone too far._ After all, she can still speak to Severus, right? To their teachers, and to Mao, through letters. To Petunia, the times she's home for the holidays and Natsumi is there too, to ask questions about Muggle schooling. Right up until Lily drags her away for her own devices and mischief. 

Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay.

When Lily clutches her hand so tight she thinks she might break the bones, everything is okay. When Lily grooms her hair and talks about spending the rest of their lives together, everything is okay. When Lily skips her prefect meetings to spend more time with Natsumi in the dormitory, everything is okay. She hasn't crossed a line. Not really. Not yet. 

...What would even count as crossing a line? Yelling at Natsumi? Hurting her? Dousing her with some kind of potion to keep her under her thumb? She hasn't thought about it. Doesn't _want_ to think about it. She doesn't ever want to consider that her beloved friend could do something so monstrous. It's not right for her to think about Lily doing those things, right? It's traitorous. Rude. Unbecoming. 

Even if a part of those hypothetical scenarios appeal to her. Just in the slightest. Is it so bad to be wanted? Above all overs? Preferred and picked first? Not a runner up but a first choice? Well, no, not on its own. But to this extreme, perhaps so. Perhaps…

_"You just need someone to depend on, Nat...To watch after you and take care of you." She approaches slowly, as if she were fearful of scaring Natsumi. As if she would run away from her at a moment's notice, "Depend on me, Nat...I've always been there, you know. Since the start. You and I. Redheaded witches!"_

Lily's words...They were sincere. Wholesome. Yet tainted. Yes, if Natsumi tolerated Lily's growing obsession (even encouraged it?) then wouldn't that be as bad as taking advantage of her friend's kindness and generosity? She had claimed that Natsumi wasn't (and wouldn't) be a burden, but she knows better. Of course she does. Natsumi has been a burden to everyone the moment she was conceived.

She takes these thoughts, these feelings and fears, and swallows them up.

-

The Tuesday before holiday, during their shared Herbology class, Lily is called off for an emergency prefect meeting (something Natsumi didn't even know existed), and she's reluctantly torn from her side with a promise to be back as soon as possible. Natsumi waves her goodbye in amusement at Lily's melodrama over their temporary separation and returns her attention to her task at hand, humming quietly under her breath. Though Lily is her partner in all things, in all classes, Natsumi doesn't need one for this particular task of repotting a baby rowan tree.

Still, when someone quickly slides at her side, she's not going to turn them away. Especially when she knows them. Just started to build their friendship.

"Oh, hello Severus." 

It's been about a year since the m-word incident with Severus and Lily, and a little under a year since he and Natsumi have really begun to chat in a friendly manner. Of course, he's still as standoffish as ever, but instead of feeling like she's an annoyance to him, now Natsumi feels like she's a minor inconvenience. She's even started calling him by his given name rather than his family name. Progress!

In reply, he does not greet, however. No, instead, Severus (of all people) asks her if she's alright. The boy hasn't given a kind word or phrase to her in all the years she's known him, and now he's asking for her health? Her status? It makes her pause (freeze, really) and look at him with bemusement, "Sorry?"

He looks mildly annoyed, as if that reply was _the_ stupidest thing to say back to him, but he doesn't quip about it (another strange thing for him to do! What on earth is going on?) Instead, Severus elaborates, "Now that Lily isn't around, I need to know that _you're alright._"

How curious. Only a few months ago, Severus would have kept the painfully awkward silence between them as a comfort shield. Only a few months ago, Petunia had asked her a very similar thing when Lily had left the room to find snacks.

"What do you mean? Of course I'm alright." Did something happen…?

Severus pauses, watching Natsumi carefully. A delicate brow arched in inquiry. Unblinking. Watching as a man watches his comrade, wondering if he is a spy. Or turned. A ridiculous comparison, but it's the first thing that comes to Natsumi's mind.

He digs into the soil of his own pot, adding needed minerals, huffing in a way that makes her think that he's calling her a fool, "I know Lily can sometimes be...has always been...enthusiastic about her friendships." He purses his lips in distaste, possibly at his word choice, "Do you understand?"

_Does she understand?_ Does **he** understand? What is there to understand? That yes, Lily is her friend and _yes_ Lily is overbearing and heavy and demands all of her attention and love, but that's okay. Lily gives back so much of herself that it's balanced. Even. _Fair. _That Natsumi owes her everything. Her confidence, her lack of loneliness, her stuttering being gone.

Still, the undertones of concern in Severus' voice make her pause. It's a jarring thing to hear, and it's enough to make her _really_ think about what he's asking. _Is she alright?_ Lily's been acting...more herself than usual. Since their bath together in the prefect bathroom, anyways. Natsumi would be completing her essay on transfiguration, and would turn her head over to see Lily staring at her. Intently. Chin in her hand and smiling faintly. As if she were far away, in her head. It's a different sort of intensity than the dangerous magic she once witnessed, but it had caught her off guard all the same. All the same.

"I'm fine." Natsumi smiles, realizing she hasn't answered promptly.

Severus does not believe her. She can tell by the way he _hmphs_ and looks disappointed in her. As if she had failed a test of sorts and now he was going to be in contact with her parents about her terrible score.

She tries again, _really_ putting forth as much sincerity as she can into the words, "I'm fine, Severus, really." Natsumi almost cringes at her own effort, it feels so fake, "Yes, Lily is a lot, but isn't that why we love her?"

He pauses at the suggestion, moving to speak but stopping himself, pressing his lips into a thin line.

Now that Natsumi thinks about it, she never knew the reasoning behind Severus' crush on Lily. They grew up together, yes, but did it start after they got their Hogwarts letters? Or was it instant, the moment they met? Did he attach himself to Lily as tightly as Lily did to her?

Furthermore, what is it about Lily's attitude that makes him _concerned_ over it? If anything, Natsumi would figure that he'd be jealous of all the attention Natsumi gets. Has he finally matured, or?

"I don't know if you're just stupid or in denial, but," he starts, cutting off her train of thought, "The Lily I loved and the Lily we know are not the same."

_What he did to me...That wasn't love, was it, lovely? Men like that...Witches like that...They are dangerous, my darling. They will take all they can from you because they are already convinced that it is theirs._

And Natsumi isn't that same timid little meek witch he met on the Hogwarts Express first year. So when she opens her mouth to ask _just what in Rowena's name is he talking about,_ it disappoints her when she's interrupted by none other than the subject of their conversation.

"_Nat!_" Lily skips in between the two of them, out of breath, as usual, cheering that the prefect meeting was a silly false alarm put forth by some stupid pranksters and Peeves, "Don't you two look cozy?" She proclaims that she's happy that her two best friends are getting along without her. Natsumi notices and ignores the flare of Lily's magic, dangerous and familiar, as she says how happy she is. _"It almost looks like you two are a couple! Trying to make me jealous?_"

-

It is Eoster Holiday (or _Easter_ as Lily spells it) and Natsumi is busy tidying up her room for her friend's arrival. Setting aside years of photos and memorabilia from their time together in order to form a beautiful, cohesive space for the two to spend time in.

It'll be the first time Lily bunks with her in her room, without her parents or sister somewhere in the manor. Usually, Natsumi would be the one to visit and sleepover at the Evans' house, but understandably that cannot be the case this time around. Lily's father is busy taking care of her mother, and Petunia is home from university to help. _It'll be crowded,_ Lily had claimed, looking a bit sad, a bit empty. The effects of her mother's dementia already starting to show itself in the bags under her eyes. The bitten nails on her fingers. And yes, of course Lily can stay with them for the holiday. It's the least Natsumi can do for her. Her only friend.

A knock on her door takes her out of her deep thoughts, "Natsumi." _Oh,_ she can already hear the frown in her big sister's voice. She stands up from her spot to turn and bow her head at the entrance of Mao.

"_Mao._" Everyday she looks more and more like their mother. Well, their mother before Natsumi was conceived. From the length of her shining black hair to the clear pale skin on her face. Everyone in their family already murmurs it on their own _Mao is Hideko reborn._ Even if Hideko is not dead. Not really. "Something wrong?"

Mao steps into her room without asking permission, "I heard from Yura that that _Evans_ girl is visiting." The way she says Evans isn't missed, but Natsumi isn't sure what to do about it. "Mama told me."

Oh. "Oh." _Oh._ Mama. Whom Natsumi has confided in about Lily's growing love. Growing obsession. Who compared her very closest friend and confidant in the world to the man that ruined her life. The man that gave her her second daughter. "I'm sorry, I thought you wouldn't be here for the holiday. I should have told you."

Her elder sister tilts her head at her, as if to say 'you know that's not what this is about'. With a single look, it feels as if Natsumi's secrets are all on display for Mao to pick at and judge and consume. A vulture tearing at a carcass. 

"**Natsumi.**"

She freezes.

Mama definitely told Mao all about Lily.

"I may not yet be the head of this family," she starts, letting the words sink into Natsumi, "_but listen to me when I say to stay away from Lily Evans._"

It's such a corny line. A piece of dialogue fit for a drama, or a play. The part where the protagonist drops a vase or cup of tea, and the shards that shatter on impact when it meets the floor are representative of something.

It makes Natsumi sick to her stomach to hear Mao saying it to her.

"You need to stop talking to her." She continues, ruthless in her mission to...To what? Lily isn't like Natsumi's natural father at all. There's no comparison to be made, no matter what their mother says. Believes. Claims. Mao has nothing to be worried about. She has no reason to be looking at Natsumi like that. Like she's having a very difficult conversation with a child about mortality or the evil within others.

"--Even when you are head of _your_ family, I will still be an Akiyama." Natsumi's voice wavers a little, filled with just as much emotion as it is with sudden courage, "Never an Imube. I do not share your name. Or father's." Her words are unspoken, but clear: _you have no power over me._

"Then listen to me as your _sister_. Who cares about you." Mao frowns, knowing that what Natsumi had said was correct, before turning around and leaving, "I won't tell you again."

Natsumi is shaking before Mao even closes the door behind her.

The impact of her words ego in her's head over and over. _You need to stop talking to her. _As if it were so easy. Clear and clean cut. But what would Lily do without her? If she suddenly left and started ignoring her out of the blue without explanation, how would that even feel? Sudden isolation and loneliness without warning would drive Natsumi to tears. She can't imagine how it would impact a much stronger Lily. A Lily who has had slurs thrown in her face like mud and been put down and bullied by her own sister. A Lily who has cried in her arms and reached for her in times of comfort. Natsumi could never, she's...She _holds_ her friend's heart in her hands, and isn't it _her_ responsibility to keep it safe? Let it know that it is wanted and oh so loved? Yes yes yes, it is her job. She's Lily's protector, right? Just as Lily is hers?

And if she stops talking to Lily, who does she have? She's long ago stopped talking to anyone else in Ravenclaw house. In their year. In their school. Lily was all she needed (she is still all she needs). Even Severus was just an accessory that came with Lily rather than a friend of Natsumi. Once Mao graduated, there was no one else. Just Lily. Lily. Lily.

Her heart seizes. With a desperate sort of anxiety that threatens to send Natsumi into dry heaving. The feeling of a fist clawing and squeezing at her chest and stomach and insides increases. Her eyes cannot stay open, rather, they refuse to. It's too much, the world is too much, there is too much color and shapes and forms around her and she does not want to see it. Natsumi cannot breathe anymore. Her mouth is open and gaping like a trout, wheezing in a pathetic attempt to get air into her lungs, but she feels as if she is sucking air through a very small tube.

It is as it was her first time in Ravenclaw tower without Mao. Only now, she is alone. On the floor of her room. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for Lily to come. Come and comfort her. Dry her tears. Save her.

_Yes, your Lily loves you. Will love you as long as you let her. But...Do be careful when you are ready to stop receiving that love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bluh. it's heavily depressed hour, my guys. I hope you're all staying safe and active in these times.


	9. A battlecry (Part II)

Lily never learns of any of these conversations. Naturally. It would upset her, and Natsumi doesn't like it when Lily is upset because she gets strange. Scary. As she always does when something doesn't go her way regarding Natsumi. _Possessive_ doesn't begin to cut it. 

She doesn't even seem to notice that Severus is acting differently. Taking care to always be in the same room or area as they are when he can help it. As if he's shielding Natsumi from her. Why would he do that? Lily would never harm her. She's told her a million times. A hundred million times.

Natsumi rubs her hands together in a gesture of self comfort, thinking about her mother.

The topic of Eileen Prince had finally come up recently. Well, it had come up various times in the past, and her mother had never really stuck to it, but this time she had. She had recounted a few little stories about studying with Eileen and chatting about their crushes to each other, and it was a very nice moment for the two of them. Mother and daughter.

And then her mother had told her something rather concerning. 

"Nat? Naaat!"

Natsumi blinks from her stupor, breaking her train of thought, "Yes?"

"Where'd you go, silly?" Lily giggles, putting down her playing cards, "It's been your turn for six minutes, I thought you were just concentrating real hard on those cards of yours.

"O-Oh," she shakes her head, shaking out her thoughts with the gesture, "uh...um...I put down a, um, red seven!"

Lily laughs again, "I told you, you don't have to announce your moves like that. It's UNO, not Wizard Chess." She pauses, "You're stuttering again...What's up?"

"Huh?"

"You only stutter when you're nervous now, Nat." Lily abandons her cards, moves closer. Too close. "What's up."

It takes everything in her not to stumble over her words, "Nothing."

Her eyes go half-lidded, in the shape of peach blossoms, "You're not lying to me?"

"I would never lie to you, Lily." She lies through her teeth.

"Good!" Lily knocks her forehead against hers, "By the way, _UNO!"_

Natsumi draws another card from the pile, ignoring the sweat forming at the back of her neck, "You'll never let me win, will you?"

"Oh Nat, you're such a sore loser." Lily sticks her tongue out, reclining back against the tree, "I _always_ let you win."

This is, of course, completely untrue. When has Lily ever just _let_ her win a game? Of anything? It must be some of Lily's strange brand of teasing again…

"I suppose." Natsumi knows better than to argue that, of course. Lily's so stubborn, she'll fight tooth and nail to prove that she's right. It gets so tiring. Too much.

They play for another fifteen minutes before Lily wins (again), and retire the cards into their box in favor of laying back and enjoying the weather. Lily finds her head in Natsumi's lap and lounges this way for a small while, watching the autumn leaves fall and Hogwarts castle in the near distance. It's peaceful. Good. Natsumi even forgot about what was worrying her earlier--

"Hey Nat..." Lily draws out, sounding casual.

Of course, Natsumi knows better than to believe her tone casual. It's calculated. This has been something Lily's wanted to bring up for a while, despite whatever she might try to imply. "What is it, Lily?"

"Have you..." A pause, and Nat looks down, watching Lily avoid eye contact, shy. Uncharacteristic. She wants Natsumi to press. So that later she can say that _she_ brought the subject up. So be it.

"...Yes?"

"Have you...Kissed anyone before? On the lips, I mean?"

That's...That's a bit out of nowhere, isn't it? They had had this kind of talk before, when they were freshly fifteen and playing truth or dare with Petunia in a tent in the garden. Petunia had confessed to kissing a boy named Micheal in her class, and Lily would not stop laughing over it, causing her older sister to leave them in a huff.

"Lily," Natsumi had frowned, "That wasn't very nice."

It wasn't, but then Lily had told her that _that's just what sisters do._ And maybe it was an English or Muggle thing, because Natsumi could have never imagined interacting like that with Mao. In any capacity. The game they were playing, the camping outdoors with their house within ten feet of them, the idea of Mao liking _anyone_ enough to kiss them, much less confessing it to her (it would be so inappropriate!), Natsumi _laughing_ at the confession with such disrespect, and Mao leaving her alone...But so much of what Lily says is _normal_ wasn't, so really it's not much of a surprise now.

Afterwards, they had stayed talking and found that they had similar taste in boys. Lily had laughed and said they were two peas in a pod and that they even shared souls. _'Like soulmates!'_ she had exclaimed. But closer. Better.

The tone in Lily's question now is different. It has a different agenda.

"Lily..." Natsumi blushes, because even if she's a stone's throw away from being an adult at seventeen, she's shy about romantic pursuits, "You _know_ I haven't."

"Do I?" Lily looks up, suddenly, her impossibly green eyes shining, "I feel like you keep so much from me, Nat...Like you're hiding yourself from me."

This again. "I would have told you something like that, Nat! You're my best friend." She never stops telling her.

"Mm." She trails off, "Tell me again."

It's like this so often. Lily will lay for an hour sometimes, asking Natsumi to repeat it. _You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend. You're my best friend. I need you. I need you. I need you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

Natsumi leans over her to flick her forehead, "Get to the point."

Lily grins, not at all hurt by the flick or Natsumi's bluntness, "I love it when you're direct with me, Nat." 

"I feel the same." She replies, letting Lily connect the dots on her own.

"Right right," Lily hums, reaching and bending her arm over to place her hand on Nat's, which rested on her knee, "I was just thinking, you know...I haven't had my first kiss either."

"What about--"

"That didn't count!!" Lily squeals, pushing on Natsumi's knee, not hard enough to topple her, "It was a _dare_ and he didn't even ask! He took me by surprise."

"I'm surprised he lived to tell the tale." Though Natsumi thinks it was only because there were witnesses. The fact that James Potter is still breathing today is nothing short of a miracle. He only got away with a few broken ribs. Quite a feat.

"_Right, _well--" her friend moves the conversation back on track, "I was thinking...We trust each other, yeah? We've been friends for so long, Nat...Gosh, since we met each other on the train! We've slept in the same bed, worn each other's clothes, our families know each other...I mean, we even _bathe_ together."

Public bathhouses are the norm in her culture, but Natsumi can see what Lily is getting at (the British are so prudish!). They really are together all the time. Like sisters. Soul-sisters. Hand-in-hand. Never see one without the other. People have asked them if they're related just based off the red hair (even though they are both different shades of red). It can be a little strange for people to understand their relationship, but...Well, it's none of their business, isn't it?

"--So like...What if we had each other's first kiss?"

The question feels as if it takes centuries to process in Natsumi's head. _What if we had each other's first kiss?_ It feels like a line from a book. Or a comic--One of the romance ones her cousins are always chattering about. It feels like something that never should have come out of Lily's mouth, even though all the evidence from her leading words supports it. Even if it feels natural. Right. Like maybe Lily should have asked her this a long time ago. Like maybe Lily had been holding it in for days. Months. Years. Like maybe Lily didn't think about her as a sister.

The silence after she asks it feels even longer. What can she say? _No?_ Natsumi can't even imagine saying that word to Lily...Had she even said to her before? Even in a casual setting? Even in a way that wasn't denying her something? What would Lily even _do_ if Natsumi said no? Back down? Say that she was only joking? That it was only for practice, since they trust each other _so much?_ Or would she try to do it anyways? Claim Natsumi's first kiss because… Because what?

She presses her lips together, "Alright."

The surprise in Lily's eyes is clear, they're wide for a fraction of a second before she recovers, and the surprise is replaced by something else. Something like excitement. Or anticipation. Her eyes grow dark with it, pupils dilating, soaking up Natsumi as if she would disappear if she didn't look at her. "Really?" She licks her lips.

"Sure." Natsumi can't exactly pin down the feeling she has, but it's something like nonchalance. Something like curiosity. Something like playing with fire. "It's like you said, _I trust you_."

It almost looks like Lily wants to make _doubly_ sure, but she stops herself. "Right...Right now?"

"...Did you want to make an appointment?"

Natsumi didn't mean it in a sarcastic way, but Lily chuckles uncertainly at it either way. Growing soft. Small. It's the first time in a long time that she's seen her friend look so shy. So meek. So much like herself. It's uncanny.

She sits up, dusting off blades of grass from her robe and fixing her long hair, making sure it's not astray and looks neat. She adjusts herself so she can fully face Natsumi. The eye contact is purposeful. She's watching. Waiting for a reaction. One of regret or disgust--Lily would never purposefully make Natsumi uncomfortable, she knows that. She'll stop if she sees that Natsumi doesn't want this. Lily reaches her arms out to place her hands at her upper arms, near her shoulders. Her grip is light but firm, almost like she was keeping Natsumi in place. As if she was viable to get spooked and run off. She takes a deep breath, draws Natsumi near. Closer than she's ever been before. So close that Natsumi can smell the natural scent of her musk. Her perfume she got from her sister on her birthday. Her magic. It's earthy. Floral. Vibrant. A comforting scent on many levels. Natsumi flutters her eyes shut...

Lily's lips are soft. Like petals. Natsumi isn't sure why that comes as such a surprise for her, she's always carrying and applying something called _chapstick _to her lips. They press against hers hesitantly, unsure, and inexperienced. Lily's hands try to cup Natsumi's face, an action they've both seen be done in movies, though when her friend does it, it does not have much confidence. The kiss is stiff. Mechanical. It's as if Lily wants to do a good job and doesn't know how. And that's not strange, is it? No, not at all. Of course she would want to be good at something like this, even if she's kissing Natsumi and not something she actually _wants_ to kiss.

Natsumi sighs and relaxes, trying to signal Lily that it's _alright._ That it doesn't have to be perfect, it's just a kiss. They're just practicing. It's nothing. It means nothing. They can stop kissing now if she wants to--

But something switches in Lily when Natsumi sighs. Her hands grip tighter on the sides of her face, pressing the two of them closer. It's been a few seconds, and Lily deepens the kiss to the point where they both have to break for air, but she doesn't let it stop. She separates from Natsumi for the smallest amount possible, the shortest distance possible, and returns. Moving her lips less gently. With more fervor and urgency. As if being separated from Natsumi's mouth for any length of time was some type of agony. The intensity of her actions growing in a whiplash fashion like her speed elevates gradually.

Natsumi is mostly frozen.

Still, she continues, a desperate and hungry thing, even without Natsumi reciprocating. Her closed mouth kisses turning into something more vulgar. Adult. Wet. A floodgate of hoarded repression. She's beginning to emit _sounds_\--

At the sudden feel of Lily's tongue against her mouth, a sudden sound of a low moan, Natsumi finally pulls back, hand over her mouth and blush on her face, "_Lily!_"

The girl blinks. Once. Confused. Still spellbound. Almost upset. Almost angry at the interruption. Trapped in a strange purgatory between the state of kissing and being snapped out of it. Another blink. Lily's face burns red.

"Oh!" Her hands are removed from Natsumi's face, and put on her own, "Oh my God...Oh God, Nat, I'm--" She can't seem to get the word out, "Nat I'm sorry, I don't know what that was, I..." The scramble for an excuse, a reason, is painful to watch. "Was I...I don't know what happened, did it...Was I..."

_Was she good?_ Natsumi doesn't know. That was her first kiss. And second kiss. And third and fourth and-- "I think you went somewhere else."

"...Somewhere?" Lily trails off again.

"Who were you kissing in your head?" That's the only explanation for it. Natsumi...Natsumi refuses to think otherwise. Lily doesn't like her like that. That kiss meant nothing. It was nothing. It's all nothing.

"Who was I..." Lily repeats, processing the question herself...For a moment she looks _hurt._ Confused and hurt and perhaps a little offended. "Who was _I_ kissing in my head, Nat? Who were _you_, then? Who were you kissing when I..." She stops, biting her lip, "Do you like anyone Nat? Tell me. Tell me their name. Do I know them? Is it Remus? I saw you two talking the other day, you looked awfully close. You've been taking to him for a while, I know. I can tell these things.--No, it's not Sev, is it? You two have known each other almost as long as we have. It makes sense, it makes so much sense, I know these things."

And she goes on, rambling, each new guess as to who Natsumi could possibly like growing more and more absurd. But Natsumi can't stop her. She can only stare. Stare and lament, perhaps in horror, that her best friend thinks of her as something more. 

That Mao was right. 

That her mother, discussing Eileen Prince, had confided in her that Eileen had been the one (the only one) to warn her mother about Natsumi's natural father. While everyone else believed him to be a sweet boy. A lovely boy. A harmless boy. Eileen Prince, Severus Snape's mother, was the one with an eye keen enough to see…

_"Or was it Black? That absolute dog, he _ _would_ _ target someone as innocent and good as you--"_

Natsumi blocks out Lily's frantic ranting, not wanting to hear any more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gonna be a part three...last chapter had almost no lily and all setting up. This chapter has setting up, but all lily...hope y'all enjoyed some lily/natsumi shippy stuff.


	10. A battlecry (Part III)

The walk back to the castle had been silent. Awkward. Every so often, Lily would look like she wanted to say something, but decided at the last minute that it wasn't worth it. Or good enough to convince Natsumi that everything is okay.

Natsumi stares down at the ground as she walks. Mediating. Thinking about everything that's happened in the past seven years. Then in the past seventeen years. Then beyond, in a time and place before her birth. 

Perhaps this is some sort of curse she's been afflicted with. The abuse her mother suffered at the hands of her natural father caused a grudge to be born within her. To be placed in a similar…

She shakes her head.

Lily _isn't_ like that. Lily would never force herself on her. Even if that was sort of what happened earlier. She had stopped. That was important. She _stopped_ and she apologized. As she should have. Of course, she then also went into a jealous rant afterward but…

But she had enjoyed it. Natsumi was disturbed but she had enjoyed it. And that makes it different.

Naturally, she doesn't voice this to Lily. Even if it could bring something other than more turmoil, how could she ever summon that courage? True, she's grown bolder since acquiring the other girl's friendship. But she's still set in her ways when it comes to keeping her emotions hidden. It would be inappropriate to confess to her anyways, she doesn't really know if Lily likes her. Not _really… _She could just be curious. Experimenting. Right? And who better to experiment with than a friend? A best friend? Why, Natsumi is sure that if Severus was a girl, that Lily would have tried it with him! It makes sense! Complete sense!

She's fooling herself and she knows it.

The two part on the fourth floor, as Lily has a prefect meeting to get to. She looks back upon Natsumi with pleading eyes, "I'll see you later at dinner, yeah?" As if she just wanted everything to go back to normal. To pretend that nothing happened. _Don't leave me._ Her voice says.

Natsumi presses her lips into a thin line, responds with a short 'mm' sound, and walks away without looking at her in the eyes.

Inside one of the many trophy cases at Hogwarts is an old photograph and plaque commemorating the International Schools' Gobstones competition of 1957. In it, are a young, smiling, laughing pair of witches. Eileen Prince and Hideko Akiyama. Sometimes when Natsumi passes by it, she presses her hand against the glass and stares at her mother as she'll never know her. Lucid. Smiling. Present in the moment. What did her laughter sound like? Was she a helpful witch? Kind to the underclassmen? Would she have liked her? If she knew her? _Would she have warned her of Lily?_

If Natsumi closes her eyes and pretends that none of this is happening...If she closes her eyes and pretends that she's little again. That Lily is just a girl and they are both just innocently playing. Then maybe… It'll all be alright. It'll all be okay. Lily won't have kissed her and won't be oddly possessive of her and she will _not_ behave as she did ever ever again and

She is _absolutely_ fooling herself and she knows it.

Natsumi doesn't curse. It's impolite, and her meek nature never allowed her to do so. Now, though, she curses fiercely and quietly under her breath. How could she have allowed this to happen? She's...Has she led Lily on? Made her believe that she could possibly return her feelings…? Natsumi's not...She's not _gay,_ is she? She's...She's had crushes on boys before...Looked at the photos of different idols and celebrities in the paper, in Lily's Muggle magazines. Imagined herself married to them...They both did! Her _and_ Lily! Talking about how fun it would be, how they could have a double wedding one day! Matching dresses!

...How instead of going on a honeymoon with their husbands, they could go and have a sleepover together. How no matter how much they loved their grooms, they would always love each other more.

Her hands rake through her hair, she inhales deeply. Tries counting to ten. She's seventeen and she's only now thinking about such...such things. There's nothing _wrong_ with it...Modern Japan, influenced by Europeans, might be prudish and disregarding of homosexuality, but wizards are behind the times. They're stuck _before_ the Meiji era, where such things weren't a big deal. They were even embraced… Her… Her family wouldn't be upset, would they?

Sweet Gods above, _what is she saying?_ She can't be a lesbian! She can hardly say the word aloud! She starts blushing at the thought of...Oh dear. Oh Gods. Oh no. 

How could she have been so deep in denial? The blatant jealousy, Lily's aversion to boys and dating, her insistence that Natsumi _only_ get a boyfriend if and when Lily does as well, how many times she's asked Natsumi to tell her that she loves her. Is it her fault? Should she have not gone along with any of those things, told Lily to _stop it?_ Well she did… Lily just convinced her that it was okay. That it was…

Natsumi doesn't realize she's crying until her vision grows blurry with tears. She curses again. Lily is her friend! Her only friend (because she made sure of it). Can she just toss her aside? Especially when she's been there for so long? For every time she was hurt and wanting? Lily's...Lily's little crush isn't a big deal right? No, even if it comes with her bouts of paranoia and distrust of others...Natsumi even _likes_ how protective the girl is with her! It feels good to be wanted. To be coveted.

She touches her lip, remembering the searing kisses given to her by Lily. She gulps. Pinches her bottom lip firmly. Lily hadn't bitten her, but she wonders if she would have, had Natsumi not stopped her. Would she have been as rough and uncaring as she was being? Or return to being gentle? She never got the chance to see what on earth Lily's tongue was planning on doing in her mouth. She can only imagine!

_\--So like...What if we had each other's first kiss?_

Why had Natsumi agreed to that? Why did she enjoy… Why did she encourage her? Because… She trusts Lily. Lily would never hurt her. Lily always says sorry. Lily always says how much Nastumi _means_ to her. How she would kill for her. Burn down the whole world for her.

She keeps thinking of the kiss. It was good. It was clumsy. It was full of want. Want for _her._ Natsumi had never felt so loved, so wanted in her entire life. Neglect is not something that happens in her household, but it is always unspoken… Always in the air between her family that _she_ should not be there. That she is the byproduct of a tragedy. A burden. They do not voice this, but she… She knows. And Lily! Oh! Lily! Lily understands. Natsumi had confided in her about it (the abridged version, family matters are still private), and Lily shared that _she_ was an accident as well. That Petunia was planned and Lily came without an invitation and caused financial strife. She had told her that she knew what it was like to be a burden on your family. _She understood._

Will she understand why Natsumi feels so lost? So wanting to return to the time before the kiss? So wanting to be kissed again. And again. Again. Again. Again. For Lily to be the one to tell her this time that she loves her. She loves her. She loves her. The girl already does_ so much_ for Natsumi and here she wants her to do more. To kiss her and hold her and maybe...maybe…

She experiments with the practicality of Silencio for the first time that night, behind the drawn curtains of her bed. Attempts to awkwardly explore her body in a way that she never thought she'd ever do. Thinks about that kiss. The noises Lily began to make before Natsumi had pushed her away. It wasn't much, but it was enough. What else is there for two witches to do together, anyways? She could try to imagine, but the reality of that memory is so much sweeter. Indulgent like a ripe peach.

_Lily._

Natsumi whispers it. Wondering if, even past her spell, her friend could hear her. Could know what she was doing. What she was thinking about. Maybe...Maybe Lily's done this too. It wouldn't be a stretch, would it? Lily's the one with the crush, the one who's more bold. Did she think of Natsumi when she did it? Has she ever thought of anyone else? Or is Natsumi special? She wants so _desperately_ to be special.

Maybe Lily's doing this right now too. Thinking of her. Of their kiss. Of more? Lily _would_ know more about these things, she's so knowledgeable. So good. So protective. Maybe Lily had done it multiple times while thinking of _her._ Is it selfish to think so? To want so? Lily could… She could ask to practice with Natsumi too. The same way they had each other's first kiss, they could...

When Natsumi is finished, she knows it almost immediately, because reason floods her mind again afterward, and her blush is deep. It's not regret that she feels exactly, but great shame. As if she had exploited the image of her friend. Tainted it. Dirted it. The urge to run from behind her curtains and beg for Lily's forgiveness on her knees is great. _Lily, Lily, Lily, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so sorry._

Instead, she cleans up and sleeps.

The following week is hell. Lily continues to try and grab her attention, and Natsumi cannot even look her in the eye. How could she? Even if she wanted to talk about what happened, she had...She had touched her body while her mind was heavy with thoughts of Lily. What if Lily looked into her eyes and knew? Oh! She couldn't face that kind of shame. That kind of embarrassment! Lily isn't a legilimens, but why risk it? Natsumi is certainly not an occlumens, and that only increases the risk factor. Lily can never know. _Will_ never know.

And until Natsumi is ready to talk about it, she will not speak to her. It's only...It's only right. She's confused and wants to try to figure things out. _She wants to do things right._ Right. It's all about being right. Not making a mistake. One that could potentially haunt her for the rest of her life. Could hurt her. Make her as lost as her poor mother.

It would have worked, too. Lily, without Natsumi there to join her in classes, the Great Hall, the common room, withers. A flower without sun. She looks so hurt. So dejected. So rueful. It pains Natsumi to see her old friend like this, but what can she do? How does one approach a friendship after such an event?

One cannot.

Instead, what one does, is have someone else come out of nowhere and confess to them in a dark, secluded tower.

It's the owlery. Not the most romantic of places for a confession (or, well, anything), but by the looks of the out-of-breath boy before her, this looks to be spur of the moment (perhaps someone had slipped a potion of boldness in his breakfast?). She was going to deliver a letter to Mao asking for more old photographs of their mother when he had burst in, scaring the life out of her and a dozen other owls. They flurried and flew up, out the tower, littering them both with feathers. It almost looks like a snowy scene.

Remus Lupin is not an ugly boy, despite his heavy scarring. He is soft and approachable, with a charming nose and a warm smile. He's not the tallest, but he's skinny, and towers over Natsumi's small posture easily enough. He is here, in front of her, telling her that he's always found her pretty. And kind. And that he hopes she would perhaps consider the possibility of going to Hogsmeade with him.

And he is so kind! So gentle! So great! If none of this were happening, perhaps Natsumi would even want to say yes! She doesnt know! How can she? She feels like she does not know herself right now. Like the past seven years were a complete lie. But she has to reply, she has to let him down easy. Without telling him that she might not even like boys. That maybe she only likes girls. That maybe she wants to be with the only girl that's ever mattered to her. That said girl would probably lose it if she knew this confession was happening.

_And then Remus Lupin takes her hands in his._

"Oh, I, um, I'm not--"

"_Lupin._"

That voice. So gentle and honeyed when speaking to Natsumi, sounds so terrifying when addressing the poor boy before her. As if with only words, the witch could kill him (and really, she could, considering spells are just words). As if at a moment's notice, Lily would cast an unforgivable on him without hesitation.

Natsumi knows she would.

Remus turns around, confused at the sudden intrusion, not alarmed by the presence of Lily (he never did gain that same fear that James and Sirius had, but perhaps now he will learn better), "Evans? What's--"

"One. Hundred. Points. From Gryffindor."

Natsumi's mouth hangs open, Remus looks more than shocked, more than outraged. And rightfully so! He begins to contest this, and Lily lifts her wand and zips up his lips with a sharp movement. She steps forward, each fall of her feet echoing menacingly in the empty tower, "Two-hundred points from Gryffindor! Do not argue with me, _I am Head Girl._"

To say that Lily's never taken advantage of her prefect status would be a lie, their time bathing together is a testament to that, but to this degree? Surely she'll be caught. Reported and stripped of her title. Everyone will know. _Everyone will know._

Remus draws his own wand (probably to countercurse himself, he doesn't seem like the type to attack a prefect, even now), and Lily quickly disarms him, sending it flying into her free hand.

"You're _so_ lucky I didn't immediately hex your bollocks off for _forcing yourself_ on a student." At this, Remus' muffled protests turn _angry_, "Can't you see she _clearly_ doesn't want you? Why would she? A poor little wizard with shit-for-brains friends and a deadly monthly problem that will never go away."

The muffled protests turn silent. There is fear in Remus' eyes. Natsumi does not know what to do. She does not know what Lily is talking about.

"Lily, Lily stop." If she tells her to stop, she'll stop, right? Just like before.

"No, Nat!" She snaps, "I have to teach him a lesson, I have to let him know!" There are tears on the edges of her eyes, "Nat he's not worthy of you, _he's no good for you._" A disgusted look is thrown towards Remus, her wand is still pointed at him, "Maybe for someone else. Dorea. Marlene. Fuck, even _Potter…_ But not you. Never you." She turns her head fully towards Remus, "Surprised I know, yeah? Even if it wasn't _obvious_ by how many times you're in the Hospital Wing, Sev told me about your little _practical joke_ on him." 

Natsumi blinks. Practical joke? What?

"Oh! You didn't tell her, huh? About the company you keep and what he finds _funny?_" Her rage is seething and boiling, "So dishonest and your relationship hasn't even started...I always thought you were alright, Lupin, but knowing that you'd dare to put your hands on Nat… I should expose you. Rip your teeth out from your mouth. Burn your skin and that _scar_ off your face."

This isn't happening… This isn't happening, it can't be. Why is it happening? Why does Remus have a harmless crush on her? Poor boy poor boy no no, why did he have to try and ask her on a date? A harmless date? He might as well have asked for Natsumi's hand in marriage!

Hands…

Natsumi reaches out and clasps her hands with Lily's, "Lily _please._" Her voice breaks and she's about to cry too, "Please stop, please, Lily, he's just a silly boy." She's praying to every God she knows. To the Kami of Hogwarts, in her ancient walls and aged tapestries. Do not kill. Do not hurt. Let poor Remus leave here alive and unharmed. "Who cares about him Lily? You're wasting time, he's sorry. He knows better now." 

Remus, still clearly afraid, but definitely no idiot, nods along with Natsumi, but it's clear that Lily is only looking at her. As if she were the most mesmerizing thing in the universe. Lily's eyes turn soft, dazed, almost, when they rest on her figure. A sharp contrast to the pure bellicose intent they previously held for Remus.

"Nat..."

She can feel Lily's arm start to weaken. She has to keep going. She has to calm her down. "He just didn't know! How silly of him, right? You'd think it was obvious, right? We're always together, you know. People think we're the same person sometimes! Even though we look nothing alike... He didn't know that...That I love you Lily. I love you so much and I wasn't ready to say it before but now I am. You're my best friend and of course I love you. I really do. I always have and I always will. I promise."

She can feel her own resolve start to weaken. She seals her fate with a final phrase.

"Kiss me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😶 😶 😶 oops. sorry not sorry.
> 
> was a little late this month because school started (I'm a teacher) and I'm busy.


	11. No

If Lily was amorous before this mess, then Natsumi's not sure _what_ to call her now… It was easy to excuse all of Lily's touching and coddling when they were both in agreement that what they had was a platonic friendship, but now Natsumi is struggling to keep the witch's hands off of her. Struggling to find an excuse that _doesn't_ make her a...a lesbian. 

_Gods, she's not a lesbian, is she?_ Natsumi always returns to this struggle. This battle.

Before, Lily's hands were always lingering, always hovering. Giving gossamer caresses and pats. It was only during intense or special moments that she allowed herself to indulge in Natsumi. After Remus' unfortunate confession, Lily's hands are fiends. Always tangled up in Natsumi's hair, always threading their fingers between the other's, always gently squeezing her thigh when they sit next to each other. It's becoming harder and harder to keep people from _knowing._

Lily doesn't like keeping it a secret. She's proud of her feelings, of their _relationship_. Says that Natsumi should feel the same way. Why should they care what others say? This quickly evolves into Lily becoming dangerously insecure. Was Natsumi ashamed of her? Hiding another relationship from her? Changing her mind so soon about their kiss? What is she hiding what is she hiding _tell her right now––_

It's been very stressful to say the least.

If there is ever a time to be thankful for the prejudices of others, then it is now. Natsumi blames part of her secrecy on the fact that, in this year of 1977, there's few people around Hogwarts who would accept such a relationship, much less _tolerate_ it. It placates Lily for a _second_ before she starts going off about how she'll protect Natsumi. She'll protect her because she's good and pure and her very best friend and oh, Natsumi's heard it all before from her. It gets tiring. Listening to her. Redundant. 

Still, she craves it.

Then Natsumi blames it on romance.

_Oh she goes all out with it too._ Beginning with an anecdote about her childhood and being told old stories by her grandmother about tragic and wonderful loves. Couples separated by Gods, stars, and status. How she's idealized it. Coveted it. A secret love hidden away from all the world. One that's just their own.

She's not sure where it all came from. Being told great romances as a child was true, but most of them ended strangely or badly (at least, for the woman). It's a bit of a stretch to say that she's always dreamt about a love that would transcend all expectations, but Lily buys it. All of it. She listens to Natsumi with an intensity that burns her, and believes every word that falls out of her mouth. Promises her that she'll keep it secret from everyone. For her.

"Even Tuney. Even Sev."

Natsumi had refrained from wincing… Those two are probably the only chance she has at convincing Lily to stop. Maybe later, she can catch Severus alone… Or write to Petunia…Surely they'll help knock sense into her.

Lily then commits to the idea of their secret romance. _Others aren't worthy of knowing._ Of looking at them. '_We're fit birds, you know._' She begins scouting out places to kiss in secret. Corners of the library where nobody goes, behind tapestries in the halls, in dark alcoves of the castle where empty classrooms lie. 

It would be a fib to say that Natsumi doesn't enjoy the kisses. Sometimes Lily can be awfully gentle. Awfully sweet. Considerate. Romantic. All of the things that she claims to be and more.

It's just that sometimes, Lily can get a little...carried away. Lost in the moment. Aggressive. What starts out as an innocent trickle of pecks ends with Lily's hands reaching where they shouldn't, and lewd sounds emitting from her. It's so much, too much, and Natsumi doesn't know what to do with it. To indulge Lily would be too dangerous, like allowing fire to swallow her whole. To _reject_ Lily would be dangerous. Like batting at a wild wolf. A wild wolf who happened to always be ravenously hungry.

She thinks about their shared kiss in the tower. 

If Lily had been unsure, possessive, and wanting before, then it is nothing compared to how it was in that tower. The sheer hunger that erupted from her long time friend was something that threatened to consume Natsumi whole. Engulf her in Lily's volatile magic. Surround her with the scent of her friend. In that moment, all was Lily. The sky, the air, the ground beneath her. Her whole world. And by the way Lily reacted to the kiss, Natsumi assumes that the feeling was mutual: the way her friend's slender fingers came up to thread themselves into her hair before curling into fists. Firm but unhurting. To press Natsumi close, to keep her from possibly running away. How Lily's chest swelled up with breath, pressing against Natsumi's own. She s_wears_ she could feel Lily's heart beating against its ribcage, wanting to be as close as possible to her own (which was mirroring Lily's own heart, she's ashamed to say). 

During the moment, Natsumi could feel Lily smiling. A wetness on her face. Tears? Was she so overwhelmed with joy that she began to tear up? Was Natsumi _really_ that special? She didn't have time to linger on it. It all happened so fast...

She thinks about the aftermath of their shared kiss in the tower.

Remus had had the right idea. He no doubt thought (_knew_) that it was all meant to be a distraction. For Lily to be so distracted that she didn't notice Remus quietly grabbing his wand back and…

He had disarmed her. Cast stupify. Natsumi ignored the feeling of yearning as Lily was ripped from her lips. She was almost upset at Remus, and she hated herself for that. Wasn't Lily a danger? Someone to hide and cower from? For Gods' sake, she nearly murdered Remus just for talking to Natsumi...For having the gall to hold feelings for her.

Natsumi is still ashamed of what she had done next.

It was on instinct! Anyone else could understand: the need to protect one's friend. And isn't Lily her friend? Despite everything, despite all this. Yes. Lily would have done the same. Worse, actually! So what Natsumi did was completely justified. 

She petrified Remus.

Before she could realize what she had done, Lily had groaned from her fallen place, a few meters away. Lily! Her friend! Her best friend for over seven years who's been there for her. Accompanied her and protected her. Isolated her from others and guilt tripped her. Through thick and thin.

The smart thing to have done would have been to immediately apologize to Remus. To reverse her full-body binding spell and alert the headmaster of what Lily had done. _Be free of Lily._ Of her restrictions and manipulations. 

But Natsumi was not smart that day.

She goes to Lily first, presses her hands to her cheeks and asks if she's alright. That she's sorry that happened. She _begs_ her to spare Remus, and to her surprise, Lily does not seem...As angry as expected.

"I know how to make him stay quiet."

And what Lily did to him reminded Natsumi of why she was Head Girl. Of why her grades were the finest in the school. 

The first thing she had done was ensure Remus was out cold. The full-body bind spell does not make one lose consciousness, merely render them immoble. Slowly, still recovering from the stupify, Lily had taken back her wand and pointed it at Remus to put him to sleep. The spell had taken a moment to come to her, and Natsumi thought it was because Lily was tempted to do something nastier to him.

"Don't look so worried, Nat." Lily's voice is uncomfortably soft, "I know you're too good to want him punished rightfully...But don't waste your feelings on _him._" Her grip on her wand tightened, "Only look at me like that, okay?"

She didn't agree to it, but Lily had gone back to her work: kneeling down beside Remus' head and pointing the tip of her wand at his temples, much rougher than necessary. The action was petty and dramatic. "Obliviate."

Nothing happened. At first. Natsumi had to blink, to squint and concentrate in order to see it: what looked to be luminous white whisps of smoke coming out of Remus' head. Tons of it. So much, that for a moment, Natsumi believed that the whole room would fill in with fog. But it doesn't. The memories stayed anchored to Lily's wand tip like bait on a fishing hook.

It was a slow process. Surely meticulous. A surgeon cutting through skin and fat to get to a tumor. Lily always was detailed in her work. It felt as if Natsumi were waiting for hours, when it was only (at most) a handful of minutes.

When Lily finished, Natsumi had gulped, "You can...You can do that?" Her voice was quiet. On the edge of something. Fear or admiration.

"Dumbledore taught me a few things in private..." Lily had replied mildly, allowing the memories to evaporate in the air before her, "He won't remember this..._or_ his feelings for you."

Natsumi presses her lips into a thin line, "You got rid of his feelings?" That seems a cruel thing to do. It feels _wrong._

"He didn't deserve to have them."

Lily did not explain further. How she could bend and break bonds like that. Emotions like that. It left a pit of unease and nausea in Natsumi's stomach that she hasn't been able to shake away. No amount of potions, tea, or meditation has helped. 

When Remus had awoken, he was alone in the tower. Lily and Natsumi long gone.

Lily still glares at him from across the Great Hall, only now Remus has no idea why.

-

As the holidays slowly make their approach, Lily doubles down on wanting to meet Natsumi's mother.

Naturally, Natsumi hates the thought. She's been dreading it for years, and somehow the moment Lily opens her mouth and presses her about it, all of that anxiety that's been haunting her for all the time she's known the witch bubbles in Natsumi's stomach. 

"I mean, isn't it time? I know we're keeping it secret and all, but it's your mum...I can be a friend if it's really that bad, Nat, but if she's not accepting then really...Why bother with her? Not that I'm saying you should tell her to piss off! That's your mum! She made you and...I can't thank her enough for that...I'm just saying she'll love me, Nat. She'll know the moment she sees me that I'm the right one. That no one else could possibly take better care of you. Do you understand Nat? That's why I want to meet her...I want to know about the woman who raised you. You made you who you are and...Talk with her."

"I'm going to throw up."

Perhaps it's dramatic, but Natsumi feels bile in her throat. A trembling in her hands. She leaves the area (an old classroom, abandoned as all the others are) as fast as she can, slipping on old parchment on the ground, tripping over her own two feet. She can't hear anything Lily says, if anything (_oh she's probably definitely saying something_). Actually, Natsumi didn't hear anything Lily said to her after suggesting she meet her mother. Not at all. It processed all muffled and tangled in her head and she can't breathe, she feels nauseated and wants to disappear into herself.

She's _not_ ashamed of her mother. No never. Maybe in the beginning, she was nervous about how she might have come across. What she might have said without warning or prompting to others...But if Natsumi only preps Lily. Only gives her a basic context of why her mother is sick. What _kind_ of sick she is. Then it'll be okay, yes?

Well no, not at all.

Firstly (or secondly?), Lily is..._Lily._ She is herself and to be herself is to be obsessive and on edge. Natsumi's never met the man who destroyed her mother's mind, but she doesn't have to in order to know that meeting Lily will remind her mother of... Of a time best not remembered. Best forgotten. Buried.

Gods, would meeting Lily trigger some kind of episode for her mother? Her mother has her good and bad days, and even if she were cautious and brought Lily to her side at a time where she's at her best...Where they're _both_ at their best, because Lily is a very heavy person. That is, personality is heavy. She is a lot and that's not taking into account the whole..._obsessive feature._

Maybe those around her can't tell that Lily has a dark side. But Natsumi's mother can.

No, that's a lie. _Mao knew._ Severus knew. Even Petunia. It's Natsumi who chose to ignore the warning signs. The red flags. Willingly shut her eyes nice and tight and told herself it was all in her head. That Lily was just a little enthusiastic. A little odd. That Natsumi was the one being dramatic. Overreacting.

Look where that's gotten her, huh?

_Alright,_ so Lily is very obvious with her dark side, and only the observant and only the ones without their head in the ground can see and accept it. Her mother could be either of those things. Part clouded, part clear. Lucid and gone. The problem is which one is she going to be when Lily forces her way in?

_Which one does Natsumi want her to be?_

Lily is **not** like that man. But they're not without their similarities, right? Natsumi doesn't know the _whole_ story, but from what she's picked up from the servants' quiet gossip, her mother's ramblings, and eavesdropped discussions between her step-father and maternal grandmother, there _is_ something.

Firstly, the obsessiveness. Yes, Natsumi knows it's unhealthy, and yes she _knows_ that that man had a particular fixation on her mother. Much like Lily does with Natsumi. But it's not all bad...Natsumi loves being the center of attention for once. To be loved so intensely...Is that wrong? Bad? She can talk it off as Lily being very enthusiastic. Even if Mao doesn't believe her. Even if her grandmother knows better.

Secondly, the development of their relationship. The man who gave Natsumi half of her DNA started out as her mother's friend. Close. Personal. Perhaps to ease her into a false sense of security? Natsumi doesn't know if it was the man's plan the entire time, but since it certainly wasn't Lily's plan for them to end up like this from the beginning, then it's another degree of separation for the two if Natsumi can say that _yes, _the man's plan was to be evil from the beginning.

Thirdly, no one suspected him. He was sweet and kind to everyone. Always helpful, always hard working. Upstanding. Natsumi's family were in talks to give him the honor of marrying into a side branch for some of the work and sacrifices he's done to the family (what exactly those sacrifices are, she's not sure, but she has notebooks dedicated to cracking the mysteries). What he did came as a complete shock, and it was only a matter of time before he was caught… Lily didn't do what he did (and she won't!), but she certainly remained under the surface, didn't she? A sweet, kind, fiery girl who would do anything for her friends. Who believes in justice and bravery and...Gods, Lily really _would _have made a perfect Gryffindor.

Yes, the only ones to first see and realize. To warn both Natsumi's mother and herself were Princes. Or rather, Snapes. Eileen Prince and Severus Snape.

She finishes emptying the contents of her stomach in a bathroom stall, Moaning Myrtle poking at her and asking if she's pregnant or sick.

_She has to talk to Severus._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait for this. I'm a teacher, and teaching online has been really challenging. That, and life hasn't been kind to me these past few months...Thanks to my commissioner who has been so understanding and cool about it.
> 
> Take care, guys.


	12. Need (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus plots.

One good thing about Lily being head girl is the constant meetings she goes to, whether they be academic or social related (Professor Slughorn loves his networking parties). It's good because Lily _deserves_ these things, and it's good because it gives Natsumi time to breathe. Be alone. Free from her.

Free to find Severus and speak to him.

He's in the potions classroom, having gotten permission from the aforementioned professor to use it as a practice room for NEWTs. When Natsumi finds him, he is reading a small book waiting for a potion to come to a slow boil. And, when she discloses _why_ she's here, he does not react as she thought he would.

"I warned you, didn't I?" Severus' scolding stings like hot coal. Or cold steel. "I see it's too late, then."

"What?" No… No it's _not_ too late. It couldn't be. Severus is just harsh, he's always been that way. Rough around the edges, _all_ edge, really. A little mean and a little rude but--

"I've known Lily far longer than you have." He says it like a badge of honor, and no doubt he believes it to be. "I have seen her pick up and drop off various little..._hobbies._" The slight is not missed, and Natsumi wonders if perhaps Severus wishes he could be in her place right now. Despite everything. His warnings, his precautions, his…

"_I'm not a hobby._" Natsumi's defensiveness is well earned, she thinks. When has he… When has Severus ever been a friend to her? Really?

"Fair." Severus concedes, "You're an obsession."

She likes that even less. 

"When Lily attaches herself to an _obsession,_" he starts again, "an idea, a film, a silly little music group..." he waits.

"--She collects things." Natsumi finishes, looking back at all the memories of trinkets, souvenirs, and paraphernalia. "She, um, she surrounds herself with it."

He nods once, "Her absurd idea on adopting a unicorn. Her love of French films. That abysmal little boy band with idiotic haircuts… But there's a degree of separation there. Unicorns don't generally approach any one, France is miles away, and those musical groups are famous. She could never meet them in reality."

Natsumi blinks, having forgotten the unicorn incident. They _had_ been only children at the time, after all. Barely twelve! That feels ages ago. Different planes of reality ago.

"Lily doesn't stick to those interests very long." Severus continues, not waiting for her to respond. "She collects artifacts, treasures, memorabilia...Saturates her life as much as she can with these things before putting them down and moving on. She might still _enjoy_ the thing in question, but it is no longer the focus."

That… makes sense, she supposes. 

"But can she surround herself with you?"

"...What?"

His annoyance isn't as sharp as it usually is when she asks him to repeat himself, "Can she collect pieces of you?"

"I--" Natsumi swallows, suddenly self-conscious, "She has photos of us, of _me…_ We, um," she blushes, "...We actually exchanged locks of our hair in fifth year." _That one_ was actually Natsumi's idea. A historical recreation and a way to show their devotion to each other as friends.

"But why bother with those when she has the real thing?"

There it is again, referring to her as a _thing._ Natsumi doesn't like it. Doesn't sit well with her. Severus… His whole theory is…

"So you're… You're saying that if I cut myself off from her, for a time, that she'll… She'll stop?"

"Well if you _had_ nipped her little obsession in the bud right when I told you to, then _maybe._" He tsks, "As I said: it's too late now, isn't it?"

"_Now wait," _Natsumi points a finger at him, aggressive and in need of justifying herself, "You didn't… Don't try to pretend like you were all that… All that helpful to me. You were so _vague,_ so… Like you didn't want to say what you were really thinking aloud!"

The attack looks to have landed. He looks properly uncomfortable. Guilty.

"If you really want to help me, then _help me!_" Natsumi doesn't scream, but she feels like doing it. She's exasperated. Desperate. Breathy. Gesturing with her hands and almost pleading. Almost demanding. "I'm so _scared,_ Severus-- She… She really loves me but she goes too far." Her voice lowers to a whisper, "I can't be alone for too long or she'll start creating these… These paranoid scenarios were I'm in trouble. Or with someone else. Or _dead._" She licks her lips, "It puts her into this blind panic, she's like some enraged beast, Severus." Her hands flex, not knowing what to do with them but wring them nervously, "I've just barely stopped her from _killing Remus_ for Merlin's sake!"

Oh he definitely looks like he wants to say something to _that._ But Natsumi's glare is harsh enough to stop him. "Stop that." Her righteous fear is fueling her to be bold, it seems, "He's a _good boy,_ Severus. He can't help that condition." Her face turns sour as Severus' face reflect surprise, "I don't know the whole story behind that incident, but I can make some conclusions..." If she sees Sirius anytime soon, she's punching him. 

"...Did Lily really almost kill him?" His voice is something identifiable. Natsumi strains to attached an emotion to it.

"Right in front of me, Severus. Her envy, her _jealousy,_ it's almost out of my control."

Severus, who's always been so detached in her eyes, bites his lip and actually looks concerned. Brows furrowed, fingers tapping on top of the back of his hand. Calculating. "I have an idea." He confesses, as if said idea were his very last resort, "But it's not very ethical."

The potion he's working on bubbles.

-

Lily asks Natsumi to teach her all of the little love mantras and quips possible in Japanese. So she can communicate better. Secretly. More affectionately. But Natsumi is no poet, and all she can do is give her literal word-for-word translations and copies from romance novels she's seen in her family library.

Luckily, or perhaps disturbingly, Lily's learned enough Japanese from their time together to be able to weave ridiculously cute (painfully cute) phrases and nicknames for her. _Nachii_ is particularly endearing, even if Natsumi knows that the girl (now woman) cooing it to her almost ripped a boy to shreds only weeks earlier.

_For you,_ her mind tells her, _it's all for you._

Natsumi's never held this much power. It's terrifying. Nice.

Then Lily asks Natsumi to give _her_ nicknames. Tell her phrases of love and devotion. Begs for it, actually. As if she hadn't seen a drop of water in days and Natsumi had the only clean spring for miles. Is it wrong for Natsumi to enjoy this? Maybe. Probably. Yes. But she does.

"Ah… Lily-chan is really cute. It's not _unique,_ per say, but you're the only Lily I know."

This seems to please her. Lily gets this dreamy look on her face and this dopey smile. It, unfortunately, endears her to Natsumi, "The only Lily in your life?"

"Yes." She answers automatically without thinking about the connotations.

"Mmm." Lily half hums, half moans (it makes Natsumi blush), "Say it again."

"Huh?" 

"Please… Please say it again." Her voice lowers as she takes Natsumi's hands to thread her fingers with hers, "_Please. Please. Please._"

"Um… You're the only Lily I know… You're the only Lily in my life."

Lily closes her eyes as this is said. Releasing a shuttering breath with satisfaction. As if the term were giving her some type of life. Some type of power. "_Fuck._"

Natsumi blushes, "_Lily!_"

Usually Lily would laugh at Natsumi's aversion to curse words (especially ones as harsh as that), but Lily only seems to register the fact that Natsumi _said her name._

Lily licks her lips.

"I love you." Lily says, repeating it. A personal mantra. Over and over. Unsteady and trembling. Stuttered and breathy. Steady and solid. An unstable chanting that refused to stop or die out. "I love you. I loveyouI love yo uI loveyouIl ovey ouI lov eyou I lov ey ouI lo vey ou I love you I love you I loveyou I love you I loveyou I love you."

Her forehead is pressed flushed against Natsumi's. Green eyes wide open, unable to blink. Unable to miss a single second of Natsumi's existence. Lily's hands: gripping Natsumi's. Tight. Fiercely. 

"Do you love me, Natsumi?" Lily's question is pathetically desperate. Needy. Natsumi can feel the other teetering on the edge of tears. As if the fate of the whole universe relied on this answer. And doesn't she ever get tired of it? Of Natsumi telling her that she returns her feelings. That she'll never love anyone else, never has, and never will. Is incapable of it.

_You're so lucky I didn't immediately hex your bollocks off for forcing yourself on a student. Can't you see she clearly doesn't want you? Why would she? A poor little wizard with shit-for-brains friends and a deadly monthly problem that will never go away._

What happened to Remus...If she's not careful, Lily might do it again. To him or another poor soul who had bad enough luck and tastes to like Natsumi. She'll never forget what it was like watching Lily snap. Watching her attack Remus. Degrade him. Humiliate him.

_No, Nat! I have to teach him a lesson, I have to let him know! Nat he's not worthy of you, he's no good for you. Maybe for someone else. Dorea. Marlene. Fuck, even Potter… But not you. Never you._

"I love you, Lily." She makes sure to state her name. Lily likes it when Natsumi says her name. _She adores it, actually._ "You're my everything."

Lily's smile is euphoric. She looks like she could just melt. Die of happiness right there. It makes Natsumi feel a way. To have this much power over someone. To affect their mood, their thoughts, their actions this much…

She could really grow to like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry about that. Those of you in school right now, please be kind to your teachers. We're trying our best.
> 
> Thanks to my commissioner for her patience and understanding <3

**Author's Note:**

> You've reached the end of this fic so far! Please consider leaving a comment and checking out my other hp works: Serpentine (an OC/Tom Riddle longfic) and The price of this wreath is yourself! (an OC centric ficlet)


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